If those Monkeys at London zoo had any sense they would have made a run for it over the last few nights, Be virtually impossible to track them down.

I've got a border collie.
He only comes home in the school holidays.

A dog isn't just for Christmas, put a nice pair of rabbit ears on its head and it can also make a great novelty pet for Easter too.

I took a tablet earlier that made me turn green and grow wings.
I think it was a Parakeetamol.

Horse racing is one of the most immoral sports around and should be banned immediately.
I mean strapping midgets to horses is just inhumane.

Two worms stood in a cue.
One says "Can you smell wood?"

As a farmer, I really hate people who steal my animals.
They really get my goat.

I make my dog work for his treats.
R.I.P Rover, that conservatory job was just too much for you.

My son recently saw a beautiful dog, Jack, for sale, and asked if we would be able to buy it. I said that we don't have enough room for in the house for him.
Oh well, maybe his new foster parents will buy him a dog, who knows?

My mate spends all his time in the garden and really has green fingers!
He's a frog.

I wonder if camels ever look down at their toes and think "oh my god that looks like a......??"

I went to London and got myself a turtleneck the other day.
And a life-time ban from Sea Life.

Did anyone see the Cat on the pitch at Anfield?
It was only on for three minutes and went past more people than Stewart Downing has all season.

In mediaeval times, horses that died in battle were taken to the taxidermist.
It was the stuff of knight mares

My dog's getting slow in his old age.
He's just brought me yesterdays newspaper.

My mate's made a 'Dog Grooming video Guide'.
It looks pretty good, he's just shown me a clip.

My dog can talk.
Last night I asked him what 2 minus 2 was & he said nothing.

My dog is my best friend. How sad does that make my social life?

My Wife got our son a Dalmatian puppy for his birthday.
It has been yapping for a week and keeping me up at night.
so I kicked it across the room.
....That hit the spot.

Why did the squirel scream?
Because somebody pinched his nuts

BBC News- Body parts found in shark.
What else do they think a shark is made from?

What do you call a monkey that flies?
A hot air baboon.

My mum always told me that eating carrots would make me able to see in the dark
Which made the night my pet rabbit escaped and fell into the garbage disposal all the more crushing

I went to see Deaf Leopard today.
"Shout all you want, it won't hear you!" Said the angry zoo keeper.

Earwigs: For people who can't grow their own ear hair.