I always seem to have disagreements with cows...
I try to be nice but it seems they've always got beef.
Subject: Worst joke ever
A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.
To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realising his employer won't be best pleased;
He disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house,
He is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.
What can he do?
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself,
Because lions eat anything.
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moved on to the last job,
Which is to collect honey from the South African bees.
As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees.
He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage
- because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.
He wanders up to the other lions and says
'What's the food like here?'
The lions say:
Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees.'
Save money on hair restorer. Instead simply paint a series of little rabbits on your bald head.
From a distance they look like hares.
Owls don't make love in the rain.
Apparently it's too wet to woo...
Sometimes I try to squeeze through cat flaps, but it hurts them so they start scratching.
I don't see why Pamela Anderson is a member of PETA, she's been torturing her beaver for years.
My dog has just learnt the basics of a rollover.
He's one step closer to presenting the National Lottery.
A guy walks into a crowded bar with a little spider on his shoulder. Everyone else laughs, but he says "This spider is stronger than any of you!"
One bloke says "Prove it!"
"Right; my spider will pick up this bar stool." He puts the spider on the floor and the spider picks it up. Everyone is amazed, but then he says "Now the spider will pick up a table." And the spider easily picks up the table. Everyone applauds, and the guy says "That's nothing - this tiny spider will lift up the whole bar!" With a great effort, it picks up the bar.
"What else can it do?" one of the blokes asks. So the man says "For the grand finale - it will pick up the bar with every one of us on it!" Everyone starts to get onto the bar untill everyone in there is standing on it.
The spider starts walking towards the bar with an air of determination. Then, a man walks into the bar, sees the spider on the floor walking towards the bar, and steps on it, saying "You bunch of wimps, scared of a little spider."
Went on a family holiday to Africa last year. My mother-in-law got bitten by a black mamba.
Terrible thing to watch a snake dying in agony.
I was cooking dinner earlier, and I noticed on the packet "RSPCA Monitored."
I thought it's obviously not 24 hours, because at some point it had it's head ripped off, then was marinated in a lemon and black pepper sauce.
What's the difference between a sniper with Parkinson's and a constipated owl?
One can shoot but can't hit.
Thank God unicorns weren't black ...
Otherwise they'd have been known as horses that just stabbed people.
A farmer this week spent 231,000 on a sheep. In the farming community this is called an investment.
In Aberdeen this is called an expensive date.
My daughter recently got a chihuahua, and my wife said it would be nice if we bought her some things for the dog.
Clearly we had very different ideas; she came home with a chewy toy, I came home with a rat trap.
Did you know, if you had a room full of monkeys and typewriters, at some point...
..The RSPCA would come and tell you to stop this?
I phoned up a couple about the reward for their lost cat today.
But apparently they're not offering anything for just the skin.
When they say "9/10 forest fires are caused by careless people" all I hear is "somewhere out there, a bear knows how to use matches."
A woman seated at the cinema was surprised to find, sitting in the two adjacent seats, a man with his arm around a sheep dog. All through the movie, she noticed the dog watching the film with apparent understanding snarling when the villain appeared, yelping happily at the funny parts. At the end of the movie, she tapped the man on the shoulder. "I just can't get over how much your dog enjoyed the movie," she said. "It surprises me too," the man answered, "He absolutely despised the book."
Today was weird; I woke up this morning and I could feel tension mounting....he`s my dog
My neighbour's new dog wouldn't stop barking.
So I kicked him with my Hush Puppies.
Man sells his award winning Doberman Pinscher for 20. When asked why he replied.
It attacked and killed my mother-in-law last week and I don't need it anymore.
First man: Do you have any hobbies?
Second man: I collect badgers.
First man: Do you have many?
Second man: One more and I'll have the whole sett.
Three ninjas are comparing their ability and boasting who is the best
The first says "Watch this" and does a chop in the air and a bee falls to the ground - chopped in half.
The second says "That's nothing, watch this" Does a chop in the air and a fly falls to the ground - chopped in half.
The third also does a chop in the air towards a tiny gnat which then just flies off. The first two laugh and say that he didn't chop it in half. "I know" the third ninja replies "...but he'll never have children"
A lion goes into a restaurant and orders a steak.
The waiter asks, 'How would you like it?'
The lion replies, 'RAW!'
OK so if I adopt a jaguar for 3 a month and adopt an African child for 2 a month, can I put them both in the same room to see which is the better investment?