Why didn't the Chicken cross the road?
He saw what happened to the Zebra.
Two cows standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly: "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," replies Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"
I've just moved into my new flat and there isn't any room to swing a cat.
So I kicked it to death.
Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
I've just been given the sack from the pet shop.
We've got far too many kittens again.
A man was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"?
"I'm out of petrol."
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
"Try it now," said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my petrol tank"?
The bee answered, "BP."
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.
After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.
While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.
"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
An eight-year-old boy went into a shop and picked out a large box of washing powder. The shopkeeper asked him if he had a lot of washing to do. "Oh, no," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog," said the shopkeeper. "It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the washing powder to the counter and paid for it.
A week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some sweets. The shopkeeper asked the boy how his dog was doing. "Oh, he died," the boy said. The shopkeeper said he was sorry, but added,
"I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the washing powder that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"
I thought it was cute to name my dog 'trouble',
but I keep getting beaten up whenever I lose him.
Why did the kitten cross the road?
Because my football's got a puncture.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said,"Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
Two blokes are arguing about which of their dogs is smarter. The first bloke says,
"My dog is so clever, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around, then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me."
The second man says, "I know."
"How do you know?" asks the first bloke.
"My dog told me." says the second man.
My girlfriend's cat died today.
It was really hard trying to explain to her how he died...
...and even harder to explain why I ate him afterwards.
One day, a farmer woke up to find that all 100 of his cows had died. Without his cows, he is ruined. So he goes to the nearby lake, and drowns himself.
The oldest brother wakes up, reads the note left by his father, and decides that life isn't worth living. So he goes to the lake to drown himself as well. There is a mermaid there. She tells the boy that if he can screw her 5 times, she will resurrect his father, and the cows. Anyway, the boy tries his best, but only can do it 3 times. So, she kills him.
The second oldest brother goes to the lake to drown himself, and the mermaid is there. She says that if he screws her 10 times in a row, she will resurrect his father, brother, and cows. He tries his best, but only can get it up 8 times.
The youngest brother then goes to the lake. The mermaid tells him that he must do it with her 20 times. He looks at her, bemused, and then says "What about 100 times? Or 200?"
The mermaid goes "Err, you think that you can handle it?"
And he replies "Sure! How do you think all the cows died???"
I phoned my wife at work.
"We're out of rabbit food. What shall I give them?"
"Give them some carrots," she said, "and make sure you skin them first."
I called back an hour later.
"They're not eating the carrots. In fact, they're not doing much at all."
"That's odd," she said,
"I know," I said. "Now, what shall I do with all this fur?"
If carrots are meant to be good for your eyes,
Then why are there so many dead rabbits on our roads?
I accidentally ran over a cat today. It was okay but its tail had fallen off.
Luckily I took it to Tesco, Britain's biggest retailer.
A guy takes his dog to the vet. When the vet has checked the dog, he says to the guy "Say 'aah' please, sir."
The guy asks "Why do you want ME to say 'aah'?"
The vet replies "Because your dog's dead."
There was a cow on the loose in the neighbourhood yesterday.
Can't have been mine, she was ironing all day.
Not everyone hates muslims.
Mosquitos find them very attractive.
I've just been into my local pet shop.
I said, "How much is that doggy in the window?"
"The one with the waggly tail?" the owner replied, laughing.
"No, the one with three legs. I've only got twenty quid," I replied.
I asked the chemist, "What's best for nasty insect bites?"
"Probably mosquitos," he replied.
I have just come back from a short break in Korea..
Let me tell you their "Slush Puppies" are nothing like ours.
I know my goldfish loves it when I take him out of his bowl.
He wags his tail a lot.
A snail can travel over a razor blade without cutting itself.
Or to put it another way, sometimes scientists get bored.