What did the dad buffalo say when he left his son?
What's the biggest draw back in the Jungle?
An elephant's foreskin!
A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barman says, "Why the long face?"
Observing closely from the other side of the bar, I realised my LSD addiction had gone too far.
Our dog gave birth today. It had a litter of eight puppies.
My wife said they were so cute she could just eat them up.
But was she grateful when I cooked one?!
After accidentally eating a fly, in the vein of the nursery rhyme,
I ate a spider, a bird, a cat, a dog, a goat, a cow and a horse.
Or, as it's more commonly known, a kebab.
It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things.
Like wild dogs.
I saw a flock of baby flamingo chicks being really naughty today.
I think the parents need to put their foot down.
Why do bees stay in their hives during winter?
Sometimes, I really hate myself.
But that's just life when you're a racist chameleon.
It's ironic that I can't seem to find anywhere to insure my pet Meerkat.
I took my son's goldfish to the vet today but it died just before we got there.
I knew I should have put some air holes in the cardboard box.
Went to the zoo yesterday.
The meerkats didn't look impressed when I asked them about car insurance.
Guess they hear it all the time.
Convincing a dog that I really threw the ball is the closest I'll ever get to being a magician.
I'm having some problems with my new Staffordshire Bull Terrier - I rang the vet for some advice.
I explained he was brown, stupid, aggressive and liable to attack anyone for no good reason.
The vet replied, "Muzzle 'im?"
"No," I said, "I think he's an atheist."
A feller was sitting on a park bench eating his lunch when an old lady with a poodle walked up.
The dog was pestering the guy for some food, so he asks the old lady, "Is it ok if I throw him a bit?"
She says, "Sure, go ahead."
The feller grabbed the dog by the neck and chucked it over the hedge.
A guy came into my shop wanting 10 bees to make his own honey.
I put them in a jar, and he said, "There are 11 in here mate."
I said, "I know, one's a freebie"
A dog goes into a telegram office and asks to send a message.
"I want it to say 'woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof'"
The man says, "You have paid 10 and only used 14 words. You can add another one at no extra charge."
The dog says, "But then it wouldn't make any sense."
The hedgehog made his way down to the riverbank and very slowly walked into the water. As it got deeper, he soldiered on, gasping for breath. Suddenly he disappeared under and was only just able to get back to the bank.
After resting for 10 minutes, the hedgehog tried again, after going under twice more he managed to get back to dry land before collapsing. This time it took him longer to recover but once he felt fit enough he started back into the water. Two ducks were watching from the other side of the bank and one said to the other,
"Come on George, don't you think it's time we told him he was adopted?"
A British aquarium claims to have the world's first vegetarian shark.
Either that or they're playing a really good prank on Nigel the tank cleaner.
It was a very sad day when I took my cat to the vet. The vet looked at me and said, "I'm afraid your cat won't last long, it's the big C..."
"What? Cancer?" I replied.
"No," he answered, "curiosity."
What did the blind, deaf and dumb girl call her dog?
I was told today by the council that my dog had to be neutered. There is no way that I can afford to do this at a vet...
...So I dyed him ginger.
I just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent, now he'll never have any friends.
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
People often say that I overuse non sequitur in my humour.
To get to the other side.