There is nothing like getting to the end of a good book and thinking, AH! Theres Wally!

I enjoy going up to any woman reading the 50 shades of grey books and asking them if they have got to the part where the man dies!

I read Great Expectations - it wasn't as good as I thought it was going to be.

Later on today, I plan to set alight a manifest of unholy lies. Sworn before God, and in protest to tyranny, I plan to rid the world of the filth, blasphemy and falsehoods that have marred my happiness for close to a decade.
The wife will be furious, it's our only copy of the wedding photos.

I'm sick of hearing about 50 shades of grey. Did guys make this much fuss when Debbie does Dallas was released

I was in HMV looking at the books,
I noticed a bunch of biographies stacked in a row, the first was Heath Ledger, then Jade Goody, then Michael Jackson and last at the end was Stephen Hawking. A bit tasteless if you ask me.

My son said he wished he was more like Harry Potter.
So I locked him under the stairs and gave him a scar across his face.

Jim says, ''My wife lets me subscribe to National Geographic and Playboy for the same reason.''
Steve says, ''Why's that?''
Jim says, ''Because with both magazines, I get to see places I'll never get to visit.''

JK Rowling has responded to complaints that her books don't feature any realistic ethnic minority characters by writing a new one: Harry Potter And The Half Caste Pimp

I've just finished writting a song about my old girlfriend. It's called
"They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."

Was reading a book on How to be a Vet, and the dog on the front really annoyed me, so I put it down.

How do you get a word included in the Oxford English Dictionary?
Simples.

I wish they hadn't allowed the vuvuzela into the Oxford English Dictionary. Now I can't hear any of the other words.

Books like Twilight is what you get when you let women out of the kitchen.

I've decided I'm going to read 'The Lord Of The Rings' For a fifth time.
I don't know what it is about a child-size creature getting his ring destroyed that I find so appealing.

My wife is reading Fifty Shades Of Grey. She has borrowed her sisters battered old copy. In fact there is so much of her batter on it when you open the front cover it goes to page 58.

Last week I decided to read the dictionary.
It didn't take me long, after 5 chapters I had already reached the end.

Ive got a book on the paranormal
I didnt buy it, it just appeared

BBC News - "Nine arrested in 1 million drugs swoop."
I wondered what the Black Riders had been up to since Lord of the Rings.

Little Johnny was asked by his teacher what book he would read if he was abandoned on a deserted island.
He thought for a moment and then replied, "Boat Building."

Went to the Harry Potter restaraunt. I had an order of the phoenix and a goblet of fire. First though, I had to go to the chamber of secrets and drop a sorcerer's stone.

I'm writing a modern day Jane Austen period drama starring Harvey Price. It's called Dense and Disability.

There is something strangely ironic about the "Bradford English Dictionary".

Fifty Shades of Grey has apparently been responsible for saving a lot of marriages and enabling women to put a smile back on their husbands faces, and I have to agree.
Playing Fifa without getting moaned at is bliss.

I was on the bus, then noticed a man crying over a book.
I said to him, "It's OK, my son can't read either."