Does anyone else think that the last lad in the 'Diarrhea' advert, hasn't got the gist of what, up to that point, was a pretty funny ad?
Chris Evans is going down the London Sewer for Children In Need.
No need, Chris. They have them on the surface as well, these days.
Childline should be renamed...
I tried to order a few for weekend but they said they were going to contact the police?
Watching Comic relief last night, Surely I wasn't the only Bloke watching Susan Boyle and Peter Kay's alter ego Geraldine,
and thinking that Peter Kay was the Attractive one!!
It's amazing how many new words you learn every day. I heard one today.
Chuggers: charity-muggers. The people in the street who try and steal your credit card details on behalf of disabled kids in Africa.
Well I made up a word of my own today.
I sponsored a little blind kid today.
I tattooed "Fly Emirates" on his chest.
I'm devastated. I've just found out that some of the money that I donated in 1984-85 for insurgent groups to buy weapons was redirected to buy food and medicines for victims of the Ethiopian famine.
They've got Comic Relief on in the pub.
I said to the landlord, "Hey mate, If I wanted to see some sad charity cases I would go home to the wife and kids."
A black guy just said to me, "Who is that on your comic relief t/shirt?"
"Don't you know," I replied."Shakespeare?"
......Quickest black eye I ever got.
My wife was disappointed when she saw my efforts for Comic Relief,
Masturbating over Hentai.
Charity is like Incest.
It begins at home.
I've got a new job working as one of those charity muggers who stops unsuspecting people in the street.
The man at the NSPCC told me they weren't recruiting, but I kept him talking and eventually he realised it would be easier to just sign me up so he could get on with his day.
Wow, Sport Relief? That's nothing, Basheed has to walk 12 miles a day to fetch water for his family...
Just 3 pounds a month will help provide training for the England team.. Please..
Children In Need gets me every year.
When I see those poor, penniless black kids, I understand why they went out looting in Tottenham.
I think scientists have become obsolete. Nowadays you can fight cancer by just growing a moustache.
Comic Relief raised a record 74m last night, with the projected total at 100 by the end of the weekend.
In other news, planning permission has just been granted for two 6,000 acre solid platinum palaces in Libya and Zimbabwe.
A friend of mine hopes to raise over 1,000,000 for charity this year.
He is going to sit on top of a bonfire, whilst it is on fire.
What a guy.
I can't believe that the whole night of television is taken up by celebrities asking people to give their money to charity.
If I wanted to donate money to children in need I'd give my kids some pocket money.
I was stopped in the street today by a charity worker who said, "In the spirit of 'Mo-vember' will you grow a 'mo' to raise some much needed funds and awareness for men's health?"
I replied, "In the spirit of 'November', no."
I'm off out after in my pyjamas with a bucket going shop to shop,trying to raise some money for children in need.
My two want an Xbox 360 and a Nintendo 3DS this year.
Due to mankind's abuse of the environment, the whale has now beome an endangered species. However, YOU can help. For just 2 a month, you can a adopt a whale and ensure they don't die out. To donate and help save the whales just ring me and ask for my wife.
Top Tip for anyone annoyed with the quality of their Refuse Collection Services.
There is a new one in my area. They place white bin bags through your front door; you fill them with household waste, leave them outside your house and they collect them.
The only downside is that they insist on putting disgusting pictures of kids with cancer on the side of the binbags.
This year im going to take a leaf out of Harringey councils book
I wont be helping Children In Need
A charity worker stopped me as I came out of Tesco today.
She said, "Would you like to make a donation for Orphaned children?"
I said, "Yeah, why not. I've got a spare few quid in my jeans."
She said, "Thanks, your money will make a great difference in Africa."
I said, "My jeans are in the car, wait there, I'll just go and get them."