I was in my car late last night with my 7 year old son, and he pointed at the Cats Eyes in the road and said, "Those diamonds look great daddy", and I said, "What makes you think that they are diamonds?"
"Don't be silly daddy, everyone knows that this is a jewel carriageway." he replied.

Me and my mate had a bake-off today with our children.
He won, I left my son in the oven for way too long.

When I was young, I could not understand why anyone would want to become a priest because you could not get married or have children.
Now I am married with children, I can see the priesthood has its attractions.

I just gave my newborn baby a bath. Drying him in a microwave didn't go down well with the misus.

What's the difference between Scouse kids and Russian kids?
Scouse kids get slaughtered before they go to school.

I brought my kids some crayons yesterday...
It was a present to make my kin scrawl.

Just saw a little fat girl wearing a T-shirt that said "I'm Daddy's Favourite"
She must be an only child if she's his favourite!

I treat my kids like AM radio.
I never listen to them.

Anyone else think it's weird that Roman Catholic Priests are known as "Fathers" when none of them have kids?
Well at least not in the traditional sense...

I just recently fell down the stairs carrying my 2 year old daughter, don't worry though, I managed to strategically position her in such a way that I didn't get hurt.

My son was sent home from school today for putting super glue round the rim of his teacher's coffee cup.
I said to him, "What did your teacher say when he found out?"
"Mmmmmmm-mmmm-mmmm-mmmm..........!"

For years, I tried to get my son to tuck in his shirts, and failed. So in the end, I sewed an edge of lace all around the bottom of his shirts.

I started working as a teacher in a school for mentally challenged children.
On the first day I asked them if anyone can do animal noises.
Apparently that's all they can do.

GUTTED!
After being employed by the education board to help reduce the number of under age pregnancies, I have just been fired.
Apparently advising the kids at the primary school that the best way is to "get there before the hair" is inappropriate!

What is the difference between snot and spinach?
You can't get your kids to eat spinach.

My job is to deliver speeches on health and safety. I get really nervous before-hand, so my friend suggested picturing the audience in their underwear.
It didn't work at all; I was still nervous plus I got a raging hard-on.
Then again, it was at my local primary school.

Promises are like children.
Fun making them, regret keeping them.

My kid came home and cried, "Dad! The kids at school told me I have a face only a parent could love!"
I replied, "That's nonsense, dear. I hate your face too."

I bought some new Nike trainers today, I'm thinking of returning them, they look like they were made by a 7 year old!

I was trying everything last night to get the baby to sleep.
Finally after 5 bottles he went down.
He's going to have a right hangover when he gets up.

I don't believe in smacking my children...it achieves nothing.
Several punches do though.

It's all fun and games until the fat kid joins the pile on..

I told my younger brother that if a person flaps his arms long enough and hard enough then that person can actually fly.
I just love seeing the sad expression on his face once he realises he cannot do it.
You know, after having his arms amputated and all...

When your only child has Down's Syndrome, Birthdays can be difficult. Last week our daughter was five and me and the wife just couldn't decide what to give her.
Eventually we settled on 'away, for adoption.'

Having a father who was a Doctor and a mother who was a Nurse had its down side.
When I was six I had to leave home because they needed the bed.