Not got children? Hire a babysitter anyway, say the kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken.
When you get home later that evening, go mental and ask where the child has gone.
A guy asks his girl friend to marry him and she says yes, so he buys her a new car - a Lamborghini Countach - she loves this car and she goes everywhere in it.
One day, she picks up her kids from school. She's got a boy and a girl. As she's driving down the road, a car pulls up in front of her and they have a really nasty accident and she falls into a coma. When she wakes up from the coma there is a doctor next to her and she quickly asks doctor, "Where is my son? He was really good at football, he could have played for England and been better than Beckham."
The doctor replies, "I'm so sorry, in the accident he lost his leg he won't be able to kick a football any more."
The woman asks about her daughter. "Doctor, where is my daughter? She was really good at tennis and she could have been the best in the world and won at Wimbledon."
The doctor says, "Sorry but in the accident she lost her arms and she won't be able to pick up a racket any more."
She begins to cry.
"Doctor," asks the woman, "how long have I been in this coma?"
The doctor replies, "Six months."
"So what's the date?" asks the woman.
"April 1st," says the doctor.
The woman begins to laugh "So you were joking then, were you?"
Doctor: "YES... they both died on impact."
I felt like a fool when I bought Amy Winehouse tickets for my daughter and then remembered that she died last year.
Even more so when I remembered that Amy Winehouse died too.
My young daughter asked me this morning, "Daddy, what were you and Mummy doing in the bedroom last night? I could hear a buzzing noise, then Mummy started to scream."
"Nothing, darling," I replied.
It was then I burst out laughing as my wife walked down the stairs with her half-shaved head.
My 10 year old son said, "Dad, I know something really funny! One skin, two skin, three skin ...foreskin! haha!"
I said, "Well done son, I'm proud of you. I know a better one though. One play, two play, three play ...you were adopted."
"One man's rubbish is another man's treasure," is an awesome phrase.
But it's a horrible way to tell your kid they're adopted.
When I was a kid my budgie died, so my mum went out and bought an identical replacement, hoping I wouldn't realise.
But I did and I killed that one too.
At the beach I saw four sandcastles that had been made by some children.
So I ran up and jumped on one of them.
Then I wrecked his sandcastle.
I couldn't get to sleep last night. There were loud noises outside, and I kept tossing and turning, but I just couldn't get comfortable, I was hot, then freezing, then itchy, it was unbearable.
Then I thought of the children in Haiti who have been forced to sleep on what's left of their streets..
And then I thought, great, now I have an erection to add to my list of distractions.
The other day my six-year-old son said: "When I grow up, I want to get the highest score on Sickipedia."
I said: "You can't do both."
Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."
Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."
A man arrives home from work and finds his wife stressed because the kids had been running wild all day.
She asks if he would take them out for a pizza.
He told the kids to go into the garage. He followed them. A few moments later the wife hears two loud bangs.
The guy comes back into the house and asks "Where's my pizza?"
When I was a kid, we all played spin the bottle. A girl would spin the bottle and if it pointed to you when it stopped, the girl could either kiss you or give you a penny.
By the time I was 16 I owned my own house.
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,
"This is the dumbest kid in the world.
Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a 2 pound coin in one hand and two 50ps in the other, then calls the boy over and asks,
"Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the two 50ps and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy next to an ice cream van.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take two 50ps instead of the 2 pound coin?"
The boy licked his ice cream cone and replied,
"Because, the day I take the 2 pound coin, the game is over."
My wife claims that I treat one of our kids unfairly.
"Which one?" I replied, "James Junior, or the girl one?"