There was a familiar wake up call at 6.30 this morning.
"DADDY. I done a toilet. Can you wipe me?"
It was so cute.
"I'll do it this one last time, but you're a big boy now and you must learn to do this yourself. Wow! Somebody has a messy bot bot"
"Cut the chit chat Dad or I'll be late for work", I said

I was in a restaurant this afternoon when to my surprise I spotted Ryanair boss Michael O'Leary, feeding his baby daughter.
"Open wide, here comes the aeroplane! Nyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrr" he said, before shoving the spoon in her ear, claiming it was 'Mouth East', and demanding a 5 bib surcharge.

A teacher asks one of her pupils what he did at the weekend...
"I took my dads air rifle and shot next door's cats, Miss," he replied.
She said, "That's awful, did your father punish you?"
"No," he replied. "Well, not while I still had the gun in my hand."

Me and my girlfriend had a problem with washing my baby sons hair. He would always scream, kick and cry his eyes out. A friend suggested Johnsons 'No More Tears' shampoo. It worked a treat!
Smacked him round the head with the bottle twice and haven't heard a peep from him in 2 hours.

I am going to name my next child Number 7. Then when he's wondering about his missing siblings, I'll explain to him how they didn't go to bed when I told them to.

I was telling my young son the story of the Billy Goats Gruff when he said, "He must be a rubbish troll if he just lives under a bridge scaring goats. I bet he doesn't even have an internet connection."

I found out yesterday that I have an 8 year old daughter and it moved me to tears.
You should see what I owe the CSA.

I made my son a scale version of Noah's Ark with all the animals and everything using matches.
Shame he's not allowed to play with them.

I was proud when my son told me he'd joined the commandos.
Until I found out he'd just thrown all of his underpants away.

Theatres are getting child actors in Panto as they cannot afford dwarfs. Some might say it's a small price to pay.

NHS doctors suggest foster children get more psychiatric drugs.
Though none strong enough to conjure up images of parents not abandoning them.

This hopepipe ban is really hurting my kids.
But I guess thats what happens when you try to fill the paddling pool with water from the kettle.

My wife's upset that I give 10 quid a month to send orphans to school in Africa.
"You promised to take care of my sister's children after she died!" she screamed.

the new benefits advert;
it's not if we catch you its when
this makes me think Madeleine McCann should start stealing benefits

What Disney taught me as a child ;
If your Dad isn't king, you're an extra at best.

My girlfriend said "Your capacity for childishness seems to be infinite."
I replied "Well your capacity for childishness is infinity plus one. So there."
She left me.

I was in town earlier when a woman with a charity tin came up to me and said "Care to help children with cancer?"
As much as I'd love to, I don't really have the capital funding or the technology to accelerate malignant bone marrow cell growth.
So I gave her a cigarette.

Checking into "Maddie's Hide Out" on Facebookis a good way to get your self deleted.

Beckham gets a lifetime achievement award...
That's a bit like Fritzel getting voted father of the year.

I love taking the kids to the park, then taking them home, bathing them and putting them to bed...
one day I'll take my own.

Bing Horn? Now I know Matt Bellamy is in to his music but is there any need to call your child after two sounds?

My mate: "What's with the bouncy castle?
I said "It isn't a bouncy castle, I'm fumigating my shed for termites."
Him: "Oh, well it looks a lot like a bouncy castle..."
"I guess that explains all the dead kids..."

I desperately wanted to buy my sweet daughter a pair of prosthetic leg blades for Christmas. They are just a revolutionary invention, and really help amputees have mobility. She would just love me with all her heart and it would be such a special gift for my beautiful battling girl.
Anyway, I don't want to jump the gun and get my hopes up... after all I still have to hack her legs off.

The phrase " If you love someone you let them go, and if it was meant to be it comes back" doesn't apply when holding your newborn baby, i recently found out.

I said to my son, "Would you like to play a little game for money?"
He said, "Ok, what's the game?"
I said, "Every time you kick your mum's backside, I'll give you twenty pence."
Best 17.60 I've ever spent.