The trouble with the beggers on the street nowadays is that they just dont look the part. You know, if they just thought to put on a suit or cover up their stump i might send a little cash their way.
I've been down on my luck recently and ended up living in the windmill at a crazy golf course.
The owner keeps trying to move me, but I'm staying putt.
I was disgusted as i watched a tramp take a Bigmac out of the bin and start to eat it.
But then he took the gherkin out.
A homeless man took his girlfriend in for dinner.
I saw a black homeless midget today. Seriously God, i mean bad luck is one thing but this is just overboard.
I was walking down the street, then a homeless man said to me, "Can you please spare me a sorry?"
I said, "What?"
He said, "I beg your pardon."
I walked past a homeless man today and he shouted to me, 'Have you got a pound for a sandwich?'
I replied, 'Show me the sandwich and i'll give you a pound for it!'
My mum used to say I'd never amount to anything.
If only she could see me now, with my very own bed in the homeless shelter.
I saw a homeless guy sat in a doorway, holding his hand out. So I pulled some loose change out my pocket and handed him fifty pence. He pointed to a pound coin and said "Can I have that?"
I said, "Beggars can't be choosers mate."
We've all been told to feel sorry for the homeless, but how can we when they have better Christmas lights than we do
I've decided to become a true humanitarian and support a shelter for the homeless in my neighborhood.
It'll keep the flies away from my house.
Those Big Issue sellers need to move with the times.
Getting up early to sell magazines on the streets - why don't they use eBay from the comfort of their homes?
Then they'd have time for a bath and a shave too.
Today I was in a really happy mood. I decided to go on my casual stroll around my area, you know? Breathe in the fresh air. But then I came across a tramp.
"Please Sir, can I have some money? My bank account has been hacked into and I've lost my house, car, bed and everything!"
So, me being generous, I gave him a 1000 cheque.
You should have seen the look on his face.
If you cant afford an Xbox or PS3 I've found a cheaper way you can entertain yourself.
Drop pennies in the middle of multiple homeless people.
same thing applies gary glitter, his mates, and a small child.
And Fat fighters and a cupcake.
Etheopians and food.
The best player in our football team is a tramp, he learned his skills on the street and has wonderful ability.
The only problem is he never turns up for home games.
As I was walking through central London in the early hours of this morning, I kept seeing people sleeping in shop doorways and alleys.
I thought they would've been grateful when I woke them up to tell them that they had missed the royal wedding and it was time to go home, but if anything it just seemed to leave them feeling distressed.
While walking through town a tramp asked "Any spare change mate?"
I replied "Yes, I've got over 170 in a bottle at home".
Its said that opposites attract, which is true with me and my wife.
She likes to help homeless people back onto their feet, whilst I like to kick them to the ground.
There's an old trampy guy who lives in a battered old shed near me. He's always smiling.
The other day I said to him, "What's the secret of happiness, mate?"
He said, "Throw away all your possessions!"
I said, "How can that make you happy?"
He said, "I need your telly and video for my shed!"
Walking through town today and my girlfriend said she felt sorry for all the homeless people.
I thought "Get a grip. Look how much money they save on house insurance"
Apparently Premier Inn's now got a franchise that caters for the homeless as well.
it's called Premier Out.
Top Tip- Big Issue publishers, help the homeless by giving them something to sell that people might actually want to buy.
I like to do my bit to help get the homeless off the streets...
A couple of laxatives in their meths usually does the trick.
I find it quite difficult to feel sorry for the homeless in this type of weather.
I mean, its not like I can even see them buried under the 16 inches of snow anyway.
Did you know that 90 percent of of all accidents occur in the home?
It's a fun fact , and it's also the line I use to cheer up a homeless guy when I don't want to give him any money.