I hate jokes.
I've felt that way ever since my fat mother-in-law went to the West Indies of her own accord.
And brought back a dog with no nose.
BBC NEWS - RBS boss Stephen Hester announces losses of 3.6bn
Seems the only thing he hasn't lost is his virginity.
If I got a point for everytime someone asked me if I've got a Tesco Club card.....hold on....
I'll tell you what's really handy.
My wife says i treat her with no respect, but thats just not the case, i think she was just grumpy because her bowl was empty.
For sale: Cheap Incredible Hulk t-shirts. Usual wear and tear.
Owning brown towels is a nightmare, i mean you're never too sure which part is safe to wipe your face on.
The only job where you start from the top is digging a hole.
I saw a sign today that said "Pedestrians look both ways."
I thought, "so what if they do?"
What do you call a crossdressing dinosaur?
My mate dug up what he thought were onions from his allotment yesterday.
He cooked them in with his dinner.
Turns out they were daffodil bulbs, and made him so ill it hospitalised him.
He's ok though, he's due out in spring.
The Judge looked directly into my eyes as he began his summing up.
"In all my years on the Bench, I can honestly say that I have never had to deal with a more loathsome individual than yourself. You are an habitual liar who thinks nothing of taking advantage of weaker individuals to satisfy their own perverted needs, paying no heed to the damaged and ruined lives you leave in your wake."
Then he turned his attention to the accused, "You have chosen your Defence Attourney well Mr Rodgers."
"I'm going to Southwestern China with my wife for that gambling tournament."
"No, just to watch."
People are often surprised by the sight of my naked body.
And it's not just because I'm in their child's wardrobe.
Kate McCann says their "Find Maddie" fund is running dry
Quite the opposite of Maddie in a way
My mate said to me, 'I've got Swine Flu, the Plague and Aids!'.
I said 'Dont give me that!'
I can hear this high frequency noise in my head.
My brain hertz.
A compulsive liar walked into a bar.
Well that's where he said he was.
I am still searching for the answer in life we have all desired since childhood, but does anyone actually know.
How much was that doggy in the Window?
I came to a store and said:
"You're gonna give me a condom"
Cashier: "Couldn't you say that on a polite way?"
So I went out and put my underwear down came back and said:
"Could you give me a working suit for the gentleman, please?"
I got called into the bosses office on the first day of my new job.
"I think you may have mislead us about your qualifications," he said.
"What do you mean," I asked.
"Well, you're the only Gynaecologist I've seen who thinks it's acceptable to use his tongue in a routine examination."
Thanks for being there when I have nothing else to say.
Life is like a midget, it's short and really sad.
Katie Price announces engagement to Leandro Penna - "Hes my special person"
So Harvey has a rival then?
My neighbor is blind, and talking to him not so long ago he told me that every now and again he receives cheques for his disability benefits through the post
He told me that as standard practice an envelope containing a cheque addressed to a blind person contains a piece of kitchen role, so the blind person recognises the texture, knows its a cheque, and takes it to the bank
This is when a lightbuld lit in my evil little mind
Not to make it too obvious that it was me, an envelope was delivered 6 months later through his door, inside was a strip of kitchen role and a piece of paper shaped exactly the same size as a cheque
I just wish I was there at the bank, when he handed it in, and the teller read what was written on it...
This Is a stick up!