Whats the difference between a taxi driver and a potential rapist?
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I was gonna post a joke about something that made me smile last week, but couldn't log on.
Oh well, it'll have probably been buried by now anyway.
"Security camera footage released by police shows two men in crisp suits entering Graff Diamonds' flagship store Thursday afternoon."
Surely two blokes dressed in bags of salt n vinegar and cheese and onion must have raised a few eyebrows?
Finally!! Right, let's go and put Baby in a corner.....
I posed naked for a magazine yesterday. It was very demeaning and I've been banned from going near that newsagency again.
The wife went out for five minutes to talk to a delivery man.
She came back half an hour later and said "doesn't time fly when your talking?"
Not when your're talking to me it doesn't!
What is the difference between the McCann household and an Ann Summers party?
At an Ann Summers party, all the toys get played with.
A man walks into a pole.
"Patrz gdzie idziesz, ty pieprzony idiota"
The drunk rushed up the stairs to the fifth floor of a building and threw himself out of a window. Not surprisingly, a crowd gathered around him as he lay on the pavement.
A policeman dashed to the spot and knelt beside the man, 'What happened?'
'Don't ask me,' said the drunk. 'I only just got here myself.'
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
If i saw a deer with no eyes, I would probably call it nothing since the poor, disfigured animal would probably in some sort of pain or discomfort and so subsequently, I would call the RSPCA as they would be much better equipped and experienced to deal with a blind deer, especially when compared with oneself.
My girlfriend left me today. She said i'm too much of a pushover.
Thought it was a bit harsh. I was born with one leg.
My girlfriend says she cheated on me because I procrastinate too much.
She'll pay for this someday.
I failed my driving test for the fourth time today...
...or as the Police prefer to call it... The "Breathalyser".
I hate it when a good joke is ruined by stupid speeling mistakes.
There is no such thing as automatic doors.
Just gentleman ninjas.
There's nothing I enjoy more than violently pulling donkey's tails.
I get a real kick out of it.
"inhalation causes dangerous intoxication"
Ronseal, does exactly what it says on the tin.
I lost control of the car earlier and ploughed into two people polishing their car.
I think I've really hit the buffers this time.
Just found out why the phone company '3' is called just that.
Its the number of Satisfied customers they have.
What have my daughter and my garden got in common?
Both have a great place for my dog to bury his bone.
I couldn't believe my luck earlier. I'd only just finished chopping the Habenero chilli's when my wife called out from the other room,
"I think I've got something in my eye... Can you have a look?"
"Do you reckon you could sneak in to the Batman premier through the emergency exit"
"I'm not sure but it's definitely worth a shot"
My girlfriend kept saying jokes from recent bandwagons.
So I left the room.
My jokes are a lot like the Queen it's just waiting to be buried by a racist.