How is it that you're allowed to make a Facebook group "I like to stand in the shower forever because i like hot water", but you aren't allowed to say "I like to stand in the local playground forever because i like small children"?
I bought some black face paint before. It's really convincing.
As soon as i put it on I lost my job and I'm in court this Wednesday.
I got kicked out of my own wifes funeral yesterday.
Apparently dressing myself and the kids up as Kool and the Gang and singing "Celebrate good times" is cruel and unacceptable.
I work at the yellow line factory.
It pays well but you can't park anywhere near it.
"We're here to spread the word of..."
A man walked in to a Catholic Church, dying for a drink. He desperately ran over to the Holy Water and began to drink. Almost immediately, the man began to choke, and spat the water back out.
A Catholic Priest, baffled, stormed over to the man and asked him what the matter was.
"This water is disgusting!", the man yelled, "What's wrong with it?!"
The Catholic Priest, slightly insulted, took a step back.
"It's about seven years old, why are you doing that?!"
To which the man replied,
"I could be asking you the same thing!"
There's this woman running havoc by stealing people's body parts.
I can't take my eyes off her.
My girlfriend gave birth to our beautiful healthy baby boy today.
He has my nose, eyes, ears and mouth.
I've never been so happy.
But ofcourse being a fan of Sickipedia I immediately screamed
What gets wetter the more it dries?
The curtain next to my bed.
Hard on + Beer = Fat bird.
Just Offending Americans
Calrsberg Don't Do Jokes...
How about you give me the ipad , then ill do ur survey
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. "Alright, get in the basket!"
I've never really had the chance to say this often, so this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this this.
Son: "Dad, why do people keep asking me for directions?"
Dad: "I haven't the slightest idea Tom Tom.
Lidl are giving their shoppers a 5 off voucher if they spend 30 or more at their stores.
I have to say though, if I was prepared to buy the whole store, I would expect a bit of a discount.
Sometimes I like to go swinging. It's one of the best ways to pull children... Then push them. Then pull them again.
I've started sewing small magnets into my wife's clothes.
Now I don't have to lie when she asks if she's attractive.
Teacher - What is Specificity?
Pupil - It's hard to say..
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
What's the difference between men and women?
One gets morning sickness, the other gets morning stiffness.
What do they have in common?
Neither of them care about the other's problem.
What is the most popular food in Africa?
I Moustache You A Question, But I'll Shave It For Later.
A clich walks into a bar...