"Schoolboy, 15, hangs himself after 'being plagued by online bullies' "
See, it's not nice calling people forum rats.
Wispa Duo: cunningly convincing fat birds that they have enough will power to save the other half for later, whilst actually selling them twice as much chocolate.
Speeding them towards a lardy grave, Cadbury's I salute you.
Facebook is like a refrigerator. You get bored and keep on checking it but nothing ever changes.
In Tinie Tempah's song 'Written In The Stars' it says ''But have you ever been so hungry that it keeps you awake''
Well no i'm not African?
I played a little trick on my wife today...
I gave her a large dose laughing gas on the way in to her mother's funeral.
If u want to see a room full of panicked looking faces walk into the offices of injury lawyers for u and pretend to slip over and brake your arm.
99% of people in this world are Stupid. Luckily I'm the other 2%.
Bras are like coffee; three cups is too many.
I was lying in bed this morning when my wife shouted up the stairs that two blackbirds were in the garden pinching nuts and fruit off the bird table.
Imagine my surprise when I went downstairs only to find that two blackbirds were in the garden pinching nuts and fruit off the bird table.
I don't usually laugh at jokes about feathers, but...
This one tickled me.
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent.
Now the alarm clock's broken and I'm wide awake, so I'm not sure who won.
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day.
But teach a man to fish... And you've saved yourself a fish.
A friend of mine rung me and said he had just seen the actress from the 1960's tv show The Avengers cycling past him.
I said "Honor Blackman?"
He said "No....... just on a push bike"
I think it's rather unfair how all the Harry Potter fans can turn up to their movie wearing wizard-like clothing, but when I turned up with my car to watch transformers they wouldn't let us in
The good old days.
You were told to go and play on your bike and not take another Ritalin.
You were told you were thick at school, not dyslexic....
and when you posted a joke on Sickipedia you checked the categories for similar jokes.
I heard a genuinely hilarious joke earlier today, I'd post it here but it would look totally out of place..
Some people have to post Sickipedia jokes on facebook to make people think they are funny. When they are not. They are just fat.
Anyone ever noticed that Zombie's never tend to get full up?
As my wife sat down in her car I said, "You've got a fat tyre".
She said, "Don't you mean a flat tyre?"
I said, "Look down at your belly and tell me that's flat".
I had to ring the kid's school today, apologising for them being late in and a little dishevelled, due to us sleeping through the alarm ..
We were quite lucky too it was only a small fire.
My friend spends a fortune a week on laundry whereas I just give my clothes to Oxfam.
They wash, dry, iron and mend the clothes then I buy them back for 50p.
You can say what you like about Pacifists.
At work, I always treat new customers like they're my girlfriend's knickers...
I like to rip them off but they're not to be sniffed at.
I hate admitting that my jokes have been buried, it sounds so final.
I prefer to say that theyve gone on holiday to Brazil.
My Girlfriend left me today because she said I was too old fashioned,
I nearly fell off my penny farthing