She never wanted me to go on the stag do in the first place, but I think she's gone really OTT about it ...
Yes I'm hungover, yes I lost my phone and couldn't be contacted, but to have my clothes destroyed, the house being transferred to her, divorce proceedings, not allowed to see the kids and let's face it, she's the one who's now got some random bloke sleeping in my bed ...
As I told the judge ..'I was only gone 11 months'
I've just had a phone call from npower asking me how i'd feel if I were getting cheaper gas from them?
I said ''i'd feel exactly the same as I do now but i'd be getting cheaper Gas!''
I think i might have failed the First Aid exam in work today. One of the questions was to name the two most common types of stroke.
Turned out the answer was Ischemic and Hemorrhagic, and not Leisurely and Crafty as I thought.
My girlfriend left me today. She said she's fed up cause I never let her win an argument.
Sure I do.
A barman walks into a stable
"Oh, I wanted some stationary."
"Common mistake," said the horse.
Just found out I am going to be a father again! Can't wait to tell the wife.
I just asked the missus if she fancied an early night.
She said, "I doubt you will get in. My database latency is too high!"
I've not heard that excuse before.
Why are black birds pink inside?
Well to be honest it depends how long you cook the pie for.
whats red and sits in the corner?
a naughty strawberry
I poured my cat out some milk the other day
Still don't know how he got in there
My girlfriend never went that 'Extra Mile' for me. So I got a Restraining Order, now she has to.
Like most Sickipedians on here,
I post the same joke 27 times.
Cinema ticket for the premier of Harry Potters next movie: 6.50
hitting the fire alarm panel 10 minutes before it finishes: priceless
My helium jokes never go down too well.
Every-time I go to write something to post on Sickipedia it seems someone else in the past has beaten me to it and wrote the same thing or something similar, until now....
...I like Pakis.
Just been to Tesco and swapped 50 raisins for 100 sultanas. Can't believe the currant exchange rate!
To me, A Sickipedia joke is like a woman. You spend ages trying to get a good one, and when you do, you sit and think about how you can beat it.
My family were getting really upset by my choice to live life as a utilitarianist.
So I've turned my back on it, as long as it makes them happy.
I took a lie detector test.
No I didn't.
You know, I'm usually on Sicki around 2 am and it never crashes, so if we all just go on then - problem solved!
So my girlfriend just nearly broke up with me, over the phone before shouting APRIL FOOLS!
Jokes on her, I've just sent her a text from her dead Father's old phone.
My granddad broke his leg from standing on a door matt.
I probably should have explained to him the concept of a helter-skelter.
They say children are our greatest treasure.
Especially when buried.
You will attract attention if wearing a skirt on a windy day.
Even more so if you are a man.
Writing a good joke is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
Some people will just never achieve it.