I'll tell you whats not good news.
An American chicken would block the road
What do you get if you cross a newsreader and a board game?
Two guys looking in a clothes shop window.
One points to a shirt and says, "There's the one I'd get."
Cyclops then walks round the corner and punches him.
LONDON (Reuters Life!) - The world's oldest recorded joke has been traced back to 1900 BC and suggests that toilet humour was as popular with the ancients as it is today.
It is a saying of the Sumerians, who lived in what is now southern Iraq and goes: "Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband's lap."
And beneath it, in chalk, the word 'duplicate'.
I came onto Sickipedia today, and couldn't believe how many "I almost" jokes there were.
I almost dropped my laptop.
I'm really good at rope tying......KNOT!
I only have vague memories of my childhood, although I remember very clearly falling off my bike and impaling my head on the branch of a tree.
That sort of thing sticks in your brain.
My Girlfriend and I were watching television earlier when she said to me,
"Don't you think it's unfair that when a man sleeps with many women he's called a stud... but when a woman sleeps around with a lot of men she's called a slag?"
After five seconds or so of silence she said to me "Mark, are you even listening to me?"
"Oh sorry dear... I couldn't hear you over the sound of those dishes not being washed"
There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, it says "Warning!! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives up to the sign which read: "Now there are two".
what do you call a dwarf stuck in cement?
A wee hard man.
What do you call a 5 year old girl stuck in cement?
My lucky day
Thanks to Sickipedia, my wife divorced me.
I owe you guys my life.
A man has been driving all night and he is exhausted, so he pulls in to a park to get a sleep in his car.
He is just ready to get to sleep when his window gets knocked and a jogger is standing and asks the time to which the man replies "it's 7 o'clock".
So the man is just about sleeping again when his window is knocked on again and another jogger is standing and asks the same question to which the man replies angrily " it's 10 past 7".
The man now annoyed at the fact he can't get to sleep takes a pen and some paper and writes "I do not know the time," and sticks the sign to the window.
10 minutes later the man is dozing off when his window is knocked and a jogger is standing and the man shouts "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" and the jogger replies,
"It's half past 7."
Once you go black...
It's probably time you got off the sunbed
A horse walks into a church,
"Why the long face?" asks the priest.
"Evolution," says the horse.
I phoned the Emergency Services the other day and I was on hold for ten minutes. When I got through I said, "You're lucky this is a hoax."
I read a good original joke this morning.
It wasn't on here....
It will be later though!
Since Sickipedia added the original author feature I've noticed a lot of jokes being posted that come from Mylifeisaverage.
I hate to have to be the one to break it to you, but if you spend your time searching other websites for jokes to post on here, your life is a long long way from being as highly rated as the word "average" implies.
Received an invite to a party today, written on a bottle of Ribena...
Seems I was cordially invited
My Sat Nav is playing up.
Now all roads do lead to Rome.
I'm the sort of guy who likes to take risks
Like there was this one time where I filled the kettle above max
I don't like to brag about how rich I am.
So I pay someone else to do it for me.
Honestly, people these days are so rude. I got so much abuse the other day for not giving up my seat on the bus for a heavily pregnant woman.
I argued my case but it only seemed to make it worse when I explained how much more difficult it was to use my iPad standing up.
This week, I've been avoiding clich's like the plague!
Database latency too high
Air France air traffic control appears to have lost the connection to the database.
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