I feel sorry for kids nowadays, especially when they see a toy advertised on television.
They want it but can't have it because their parents have to be 18 or older to buy it.
I walk past a camping site today.
Sorry, that should be past tense.
My wife tried accusing me of being so lazy that I don't even bother telling the punchlines of my jokes.
So what would "The Pretenders" tribute band be called ?
'Non-Flammable' says one thing to me. Challenge.
My wife is a self harmer.
She eats her own cooking.
This really ugly woman goes to see her doctor, severely depressed and suicidal.
"Doc, I can't stand it any more," she says. "No-one will look at me, touch me or kiss me. Can you help me at all?" she asks.
The doctor replies, "Sure, just lie down over there on the couch first. Face down, please."
To get sincere personal advice and the correct time, try calling a random telephone number in the early hours of the morning.
Why are mountains so funny?
Because they are hill areas.
I was talking to this girl the other day and asked what her name was.
She said, "It's Lynna".
I said, "That's an unusual name - you don't hear that every day."
To which she replied, "Actually, I do."
It's Sunday today...
Rebecca Black's prophecy is coming true!
I came here for a joke, not to practice my maths.
What does this joke and aids have in common?
My girlfriend will get it sooner or later.
I always touch really hot things, just to see how hot it actually is.
Because I'm a bloke.
I'm not racist.
All my favourite jokes are about blacks!
I've just had a telephone interview for a job as an engineer with B.T.
The interviewer asked me "have you got any experience with communication systems?"
Perhaps I should have stopped and thought before replying "you do know we are on the phone?"
A barber runs out of his shop and down to the nearest corner where a policeman is standing.
"Officer," he asks, "have you seen a man run by here in the last few minutes?"
"No, I haven't. What's the problem?"
"The lousy cheat ran out of my shop without paying me!"
"Does this fellow have any distinguishing features?" the officer asked.
"Well, yes," the barber replies. "He's carrying one of his ears in his left hand."
Question: Before the invention of the airplane, how did they used to feed babies?
A young girl came up to me the other day the pub, well it was a bit like a restaurant, nice little bar, staff dressed very well and the decor was fantastic. Never mind. Well, she was wearing a green skirt - at least I think it was green, possibly blue - and she was about 5ft 6 - oh, wait - maybe about 5ft 3ish. Nice half-cast girl - maybe Asian, I'm not sure - and she walked up to me quite confidently (or was she shy? I can't remember). So she looked at me with her big, blue eyes - actually, they might have been brown. Well, anyway she asked me, "Are you any good at telling jokes?"
I said, "No."
To build a bit of tension, I decided to use the "long pause" technique beloved of talent shows before I announced the result.
After about ten seconds the Judge said, "A simple Guilty, or Not Guilty will suffice Mr Foreman."
Sickipedia stand-up comedy night??
The biggest gathering of paedophiles since Pope Benedict XVI was elected...
What do you call a couple that go fishing together?
Rod and Annette.
It's important to keep a backup of all your work - in the unlikely event of a server crash, it may be all you've got.
Luckily, here at Sickipedia we've got a dedicated team working 24/7 to duplicate your jokes.
How come there are even more duplicates than ever?
"Your joke is probably original". Yeah right, and my six year old daughter is probably still a virgin.
I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.