I've just started a business which is a rat and mouse washing service. It's going great...
All our customers are squeaky clean

A man walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
Unfortunately the library was all out, so the librarian just offered him Twilight.

Some people say I'm a god, others just think I'm a dog.
Depends which way you look at it.

I have no super powers. The only thing close to a super power I have is that i'm invisible to bartenders.

A mate of mine has been having a hard time recently, and has had to cut some of his staff off.
Gandalf's magic isn't what it used to be anymore.

Ashes to Ashes.
Dust to Dust.
Worst...magician...ever.

'...I never wanted to be a magician, but when my sister came home and said she was getting 100-a-trick, I thought, "It's magic for me!"

Looking into the reflection of two mirrors opposite each other, a surefire way of raping your own mind.

A wizard turns into a bar.

The Hogwarts episode of Cribs is the worst. Every room they went in, someone says, "This is where the magic happens."

Convincing a dog that I really threw the ball is the closest I'll ever get to being a magician.

Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It turned into a field.

An amateur magician accidentally turns his wife into a settee and his two kids into armchairs. He starts to panic. He tries every trick in book but none work so, in desperation, he decides to take them to hospital.
Once at casualty, the magician spends a sleepless night while the medical staff run numerous tests on the unfortunate woman and children.
Finally, the head doctor comes out into the corridor to speak to the magician.
"How are my family?" he asks worriedly, "are they alright?"
The doctor replies, "they're comfortable..."

Two dragons go into a pub.
The first says, "It's hot in here isn't it?"
The other replies, "Shut your mouth."

BBC News: Walker, 68, found dead in Italy.
Walking and dead at the same time? Impressive. Your move David Blaine.

My Maths teacher told me two negatives make a positive.
So I told her she's fat and ugly.

In my act as a street magician, I line up women, blindfold them then rub their fannies menacingly before running off.
More the fool them for trusting David Cop a Feel.

I was fired from my job as a children's magician today...
Apparently, when I make the kids disappear, I also have to make them re-appear.

While driving I had an accident with a magician. It wasn't my fault - he came out of nowhere.

Remember to stay away from warehouses at a full moon...
...they turn into houses...

This latest David Blaine disappearing trick is awesome. Does anyone know when he's going to reappear? It must be like three years now?

What's the difference between your brain and your grandmother, naked and bent over?
Your brain was in your head before you read this.

Alcohol has magical powers. It can turn a settee into a bed.

Black magic sacrifices
They really get my goat

My brother said out loud that I have an overly developed imagination, all of my family laughed. They won't be laughing when I set Ryan on them.
Ryan's my pet kraken.