I was chatting to my neighbour this morning, and he said i used to have loads of birds flocking into my garden but now i dont, i've tried everything to encourage them to come back.
He looked puzzeled when i suggested, Have you tried giving away expensive shoes and free samples of Blue Wkd.

It takes three days to walk from my house to Torquay, but thats what my son said he wanted for his birthday.
On reflection, he may have said walkie talkie....
Either way, I dont see him much anymore.

My wife said she wanted to burn some caleries...apparently setting her on fire was a bad idea.

My wife was in tears after the death of her mum.
"Sweetheart, is there anything I can do to make you feel better?" I asked.
"Just comfort me," She said sobbing.
"Okay," I replied," Here's some pillows for your head, I'm off down the pub for quiz night with the lads."

I was talking to a friend at work who said they wake up an hour early so they can put make-up on.
I couldn't believe it! He does look good though.

In London, one man to another:
"You know, my daughter has married an Irishman"
"Oh, really?"
"No, O'Reilly"

A family friend of ours said to me the other day, "You're a very smart and sensitive young man. You have your father's brain and your mother's heart."
I'm not sure how he found out but I'm guessing it was the smell coming from my room.

I'm so proud of my daughter. She was competing in a Cross Country race today and I was worried about her ability to finish, but my doubts were dispelled by what i overheard some lads on the bus saying.
Apparently she went "all the way."

What if the first person to say,
'Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit'
Was being sarcastic..

On crimewatch they are pleading for us to ring them and help give them names, so I thought I'd co-operate.
They just said I wasted police time, I think Robert the rapist is a brilliant name myself.

I brought some new towels and the lady in the shop told me to wash my brand new towels in a cup of salt and cold water.
As hard as I try the bath towel just wont fit in the cup. Stupid shop woman.

I think I'm addicted to Speed.
I just love the camaraderie between Keanu Reeves & Sandra Bullock.

My wife reckons I'm as thick as two short planks. Wish I was a bit longer though.

My wifes lost a bit of weight.
My jeans are too loose now! she exclaimed What do you think, fatty?
I gave her a belt.

My mate said to me, "I was playing with your mum's flaps last night! Haha!"
I said, "Why is that funny, and what on earth were you doing underneath her car?"

My wife woke up this morning, and I heard the screams from the bedroom as she was shredded and bitten to within an inch of her life. I was only trying to be a good husband, by stealing them from the zoo. But apparently I got mixed up when she said that she wanted a couple of Lie-Ins.

I think my wifes starting to suspect my covert surveillance of her movements.
She thinks she's got a stomach bug.

I got stopped by the Police last night.
'Have you been drink driving sir?' asked the Police officer
I was outraged so I told him 'No, I did all my drinking at the pub. I haven't touched a drop since I've been driving'

I was staying on a camp site when my wife told me to take all the clothes off the washing line.
After a few struggles and some slight resistance, I managed to strip everybody in the shower queue naked.

My mate tragically lost his life the other day, and to make things worse I was there, and seen everything... at the wedding

"Well, I'm not so sure..." I hesitantly admitted.
"Please, think of the children otherwise doomed to grow up in poverty!" he pleaded.
Dad narrowly managed to convince me to get an abortion.

Last night I said to the wife,''How would you like going away love.''
She went,''Oh I would love to!
I went,''Good,I'm trying to watch the football.''

I went for a job interview today and the interviewer asked me what my current status was
"Great night out with the lads" I replied

As my father was lying in his hospital bed, attached to a life support machine in pain and heartache he said to me:
''I can't stand another day of this''
'What do you mean? You'll be able to cope'' I painstakingly replied.
''I dont think I can go on, this is like torture!, Listen son, I need you to do me a favour and turn it off for me''
I thought hard about his request and finally come to the decision ill give him his wish and turned his life support machine off.
As i stood up and turned around, what i saw made me really think about what he'd asked for,
I'm a celebrity was on the tele.

My wife is always complaining that I never treat her proper.
Can't wait to see her face when I give her these bone shaped biscuits.