Mrs. O'Reilly is in the big city for the first time and checks into a hotel. After only a few minutes, she gets very angry:
"Just because I'm from out in the country doesn't mean you can put me in this tiny room with no windows!"
"This is the lift," says the bellboy.

There is nothing I like more than walking through the door, kicking off my shoes, taking off my work uniform and collapsing onto the sofa with a nice cold beer in front of the TV.
Which I dare say is what led to me losing my job at DFS.

"Oh my god!" screamed my wife, "He's taking our son away in his 'ice cream' van!"
"We must stop him! I cried, "Timmy can't have ice cream before his dinner!"

I've just been watching 'Speed Auction TV'...
Not once was any speed auctioned.

My dad's a retired rock star. The other day I asked him what he spent his time doing on tour.
"Groupies" he laughed.
"Cool" I said. "What other vegetables did you grow?"

How come there are so many bus drivers called Drive?

It's so nice to see an act of generosity.
Like this afternoon on my way back from work I came across a tramp holding out his hat and he asked me 'Spare change?'
'Yes please!' I said as I helped myself to a quid.

I turned to my mother and said, "I think i've finally found the one".
She started screaming in joy "CONGRATULATIONS!"
Didnt know someone could get so excited about soduko.

An Irish lad goes to confession.
The priest asks, "My boy, do you touch yourself at night?"
"I do Father."
"And what do you think about when you touch yourself?"
"I wish my nose would stop itching."

I asked my new girlfriend to tell me where all her erogenous zones were.
"Why do you want to know that?" she asked.
"Just so we can start off on the right foot," I said.
"I definitely haven't got one there," she said.

I recently moved to Spain, which is an hour ahead of Britain thanks to Central European Time.
I've brought my British satellite decoder with me, so I'm going to clean up betting on the football matches back home.

Since signing up for a dating website with the username 'one inch from the floor', I've had thousands of interested women.
I had no idea my amateur levitation skills would be so attractive.

I was going the wrong way down a one-way street when a policeman stopped me.
He said, "Oi! Can't you read the signs?"
"Not really officer. Having only just met you, I had no idea you fancied me."

I was playing Call Of Duty on Xbox when my mum walked in.
"I'm sick of you staying indoors all the time." she moaned.
"I have a good excuse," I replied, "This particular building is a great vantage point to kill off unsuspecting noobs."

The only park near enough for me to take my son has a reputation for being a haunt for paedophiles and perverts!
This morning I sat as my son was on the climbing frame, and as he climbed higher I called for him to stop and come down being your typical kid he wouldn't do as i asked, after about five minuets I noticed a crowed of what I presumed to be pervs and paedo`s gathering. Then it hit me in my frustration I had been getting louder and louder I then realised my choice of words could have been thought out better! I had been in the middle of this park shouting to my son "Jack Off"

No wonder formula 1 drivers have so many points at the end of the season..
Have you seen how fast they drive.

I've just invented a fat jolly old man with a beard who loves children.
I'm not sure what to call him, although I might call him a paedophile.

My wife asked me to kiss her in that 'special place'.
We're gonna get caught breaking into the local spastic home one of these days.

My wife just got back from shopping at Sainsburys.
"Did you know that they've already started getting the Christmas stuff in?" she said "I'll tell you, it gets earlier and earlier every year."
"Really?" I replied, "I think you'll find that it's still on the 25th of December".
Daft cow.

A blonde takes a fancy to a handsome guy at a party. He introduces himself:
"My name is Stephen King. Sometimes I use a pseudonym."
"No need," says the blonde, winking, "I'm on the pill."

Bought a jumper from TK Maxx before with 30% off.
It was a T-Shirt.

My Jamaican mate asked me if I fancied collecting beer cans
Although confused, i agreed.
Ive got 20 smoked rashers soo far.

My wife wants a period drama boxset for Christmas.
Pack of 24 Tampax should do nicely.

Why are there instructions on shampoo bottles? Who needs that? It's not difficult, you just put some on your hand... then jerk off.

I asked a group of Psychics round my house after I suspected one of the bedrooms was haunted. I took them to the room in question. As we entered one of them looked intrigued and said:
"I've gone very cold all of a sudden"
"Sorry about that" I replied, switching off the air conditioning.