A Jehovah's Witness knocked at my grandma's door last night.
"Could I speak with a Dorris Smith?" He asked.
"I'm sorry mate, she's long gone, and I've been left in charge of the place," I said.
"Oh my!" He replied in a shocked tone, "I do apologise, may the lord be with her and keep her safe."
He certainly was as well! She won the big one at bingo and paid me extra for babysitting her cat when she got home.
I had a call today saying my son's purple motorbike had been involved in a fatal collision.
I knew it was absolute rubbish; my son rides violet coloured motorbike.
This hot looking girl came up to me in the pub and whispered in my ear, "I want your babies."
I immediately phoned the police and got her arrested for intent to kidnap.
I went to the gym earlier and started showing off my guns to the ladies.
I'm now sat in a cell waiting for the police to charge me with possession of firearms.
I got lost in Bradford the other day.
I spent 12 hours pretending I was Albino.
Mrs. Jones is having her house painted, and her husband comes home from work and leans his palm against the freshly painted wall. The next day, she says to the painter, "You want to see where my husband put his hand last night?"
He sighs and says, "Look, lady, I got a tough day's work ahead of me. Why don't you just make us a cup of coffee?"
my boss just she told me she loved to see me hard at work... think i might have misunderstood
I gave up my spot on the bus for an old lady.
Unfortunately, she wasn't a very good driver and crashed.
"I have something to tell you," I said to my wife. "Sit in that chair."
"I'd rather stand," she replied.
"I'm trying to be serious!" I yelled "Why do you want to stand on the chair?"
I came home from work today and my wife said, "I think I've exceeded my bandwidth."
"Don't worry love," I replied, "I'll buy you a larger skirt tomorrow."
My father always said to me, 'if you build it, they will come'.
That's why I now own my own strip club.
I was really happy after a meeting at work today when I was elected chairman.
Then I realised everyone had voted for me to put all the chairs away.
Someone who says they're 99.9 percent sure is really not sure at all.
Just before my father died, he gave me his Grandfather Clock. He said "Son, I want you to treat it as you would a woman."
So, I dragged it upstairs, came on it's face, then broke one of it's arms for not making me a sandwich.
I was driving home from work when I saw a sign that said, 'Caution, Bikes on the road".
Which made me think, since when did their bikes become more of a danger to me, than my car does to them?
My wife is going to her friend's wedding tomorrow, She says she doesn't have time to go shopping 'cause she's at work, but she wants to go in a fancy dress.
So I nipped into a shop in the town and got her the Cat woman outfit.
I was washing the car this morning when I pulled out the Rim Cleaner and had to have a laugh at how it said "WARNING: Do not use on Hot Wheels".
I chuckled to myself, "I'm not going to use it on toys, haha" before squeezing the bottle down the back of my pants.
I ran into my new boss this morning, "Are you looking forward to your first night working in my restaurant."
"I can't wait." I replied.
He said, "Oh! It says you can on your CV."
If rising obesity levels are so bad, can't they just make the lifts smaller?
A Scottish man was in the zoo, and saw a large, hairy animal. "What's that?" he asked the zookeeper. "A Canadian moose", the zookeeper replied. "A Canadian moose? They must have rats like rhinos over there!"
When walking on a pavement during winter I always throw chocolates and flowers around my feet...
I heard you can slip on untreated surfaces.
"This car stinks of cigarettes", my wife screamed at me when I picked her up from work yesterday, "You've been smoking with our two year old boy sat in the back, haven't you?"
"Don't be so daft love, I'd never dream of putting his health at risk like that", I replied, horrified that she would think that I could be so reckless, "I made him go and stand outside."
My girlfriend told me to turn on the TV last night...
I took off my shirt and started rubbing my nipples.
I was chatting to a girl at the bar I bragged, "I should have been going to the Olympics in London this year if it wasn't for injury."
"Wow!" She said surprised, "what have you done?"
"I've pulled a muscle in my back" I replied, "Been off work for weeks and can't afford my ticket."
A tourist stopped me and asked if I could direct them to the beach.
"Certainly." I said. "Just walk any direction in a straight line, and then stop when you feel yourself drowning."