"Doctor, my wife has severe pain in her appendix!"
"Nonsense!" says the doctor. "I removed her appendix three years ago. Not a single person in the world has a second appendix."
"That may well be true, but some people have second wives."
My pretentious new girlfriend took me down to her film club last night.
I think I was a little out of my depth.
They were all juxtaposition this and narrative that and how they adore the use of subtext.
Then I was asked, "And do you have a favourite indie film?"
"Err, Temple of Doom?"
The barman said to me, "Good evening, Sir, what can I get for you?"
"I'll have a shot of everything on the top row please", I replied.
He got my drinks and tried to charge me 100.
I said, "I thought you were getting them."
I've been put on the waiting list for a new kidney.
It's a very exclusive butchers.
Susie is down on her luck with nothing but a fiver to her name, so she goes into the supermarket and buys two eggs and a bottle of ketchup. As she is leaving, she stumbles and drops the lot on the concrete path. With nothing to eat, she sits down on a bench and starts to cry. A drunk staggers along, looks at the mess on the ground and puts his arm around her.
"Don't cry, darlin'," he slurs, "it wouldn't have lived anyway. Its eyes are too close together."
My wife said seeing as it's hot she wants a cool bath.
So I've put a rubber duck in it, how cool's that?
I asked the chemist, "What's best for nasty insect bites?"
"Probably mosquitos," he replied.
I was talking to a fat bird down the pub last night.
She said, "Would you call me a taxi?"
I said, "No, you're more like a 12 seater mini bus."
just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that "real" hippos don't actually eat marbles?
I saw a sign in the hospital that read 'Burn Victims'
I was gutted that I'd left my petrol can at home.
I saw a fire alarm today with a notice that read:
'Push if you see fire or smoke'
I pushed it as I like the odd one when I have a drink.
I ran a red light on my way home yesterday, and a policeman pulled me over. He said, "Have you been drinking, Sir?"
I replied, "Yes, loads of times. Great fun, isn't it?"
My wife told me that she would like me to last longer in bed.
So I quit my job.
My wife just asked me to change our baby, so I cut off his arms and sewed on a beak.
Two hunters are out in the woods, when suddenly they see a beautiful naked woman bathing in a lake.
"What are you doing here?" she asked.
"We are looking for wild game." the hunters answered.
"Well I'm wild and I'm game!" she replied with a wink.
So the hunters shot her.
I like to impress to women by showing off the newest technology. I'm always most confident with my foot on the pedal of a sleek new machine.
Unfortunately, most of them have seen that type of bin before.
BBC News: 'Brazilian gang-fighting judge shot dead'.
Should've chosen a less dangerous pastime.
I was lying on the couch watching TV earlier, when my 10 year old boy came up to me and said, "Dad! I really want to do the father-son sports day at school tomorrow."
I laughed at him and said, "Aww Matthew that's so sweet. But you don't have a son."
I was doing a crossword today and I said to my wife, "Six letters...another word for a broad road in a town or city? I still haven't got it!"
"Avenue?" she said
"No," I said, "I haven't, stop rubbing it in."
So it's fine for some moron to bellow nonsensically from the roof of a mosque at 6 in the morning ...
... but a couple of barely audible cries and moans from my attic and the police are called.
A young guy turns up at a hotel reception:
"I'd like a single room, please."
"Certainly, sir," says the receptionist. "With bath or shower?"
The guy is a bit short of cash, so he asks, "What's the difference?"
"You have to stand in the shower," says the receptionist.
I said to my mate, "Bet you can't guess how much I won at the bookies yesterday?"
He chuckled, "Go on then, put me out of my misery."
So I shot his wife.
I was out having a nice Italian meal last night with my long term girlfriend, when all of a sudden, I got out of my chair,and slowly got down on one knee.
"Oh my god" my girlfriend shrieked, "Let me just get my phone out so I can video this and show my mum and sister and remember the moment for the rest of my life" she gushed.
"Sure thing" I replied.
"But I'm sure they have seen people tie their shoelaces before"
I was walking through town today and a tramp said to me, "Hi mate. Have you got any loose change?"
I jingled my pocket and said, "No, it's all nice and secure."
'JK Rowling writes first book for adults'.
Nonsense. I have loads of adult books, all of them written by other authors.