I'm going through a drink and drugs nightmare.......my dealers gone AWOL and the local off-licence has closed down.

As I lay there in the road with bits of my body spread all around me, I offered up a silent prayer for death to take me and for the agonizing pain to stop.
I couldn't believe it when I heard a reply;
"Welcome to Heaven"
Blissfully, I said, "I'm ready to be taken now. I've always been a firm belie, "
"All of our angels are busy helping other customers at the moment. Your death is important to us and is being held in a que. Please wait patiently"

Just heard that announcment in the airport not to leave your luggage with anyone you don't trust.
bit late now i left my luggage with the Mcanns an hour ago and have not seen it since

Bring back hanging before another tragedy hits home.
Get rid of her timesaving tumble drier and make your woman peg clothes on the washing line.

I never trust people who smoke... I'm worried they'll lead me ashtray.

Today my son taught me some of the maths he is being taught at school...
I think it's safe to say that I have learnt from my mistakes.

A woman would ask, "Does this bag match these shoes?"
While a man would ask, "Does my left shoe match my right shoe?"

Behind every good man, there's a woman, rolling her eyes.

Bring chess into the 21st century by desegregrating the black and white pieces sitting in either side.

Surely this carbon footprint offset malarky should work both ways?
From now on when I send an email I'm going to scrumple a piece of paper up and throw it in the bin. Just doing my bit.

I was in an interview and the guy told me he didn't think I was very 'employable'.
I was so shocked I nearly choked on my second can of Special Brew.

Nothing says "I'm on the minimum wage" like sitting in McDonald's with a high viz jacket on.

Decided to have botox on xmas eve.. that way no one will know how much I hate the presents they've bought me

Just shaved me head, rolled up the Levi's, zipped up me bomber jacket and laced up me cherry red Dr Martin boots ready for some aggro....
Now Mother says I'm "not allowed out"
Sometimes I don't know why I bovver...

I decided that I needed to do something to get me out of the house.
So I became a tramp.

Just when I thought turning off my wife's life support was the hardest thing ever, a new Angry Birds update comes out.

Having a wife and as of yet, an unborn child. There really is no place like home.
Which is why I stay in the pub.

My mate said, "We still haven't decided on a name for the baby yet. These things shouldn't be rushed."
I said, "I can certainly understand why you don't want to rush this 'Englebert'."

Can't wait to tell my girlfriend that despite what she keeps telling me, it turns out I can do more than one thing at a time.
One was blonde and the other a brunette.

Guarantee waking up early by not eating the night before.

Can we pretend that the first 3 words of this joke didn't remind you of a overplayed song?

Have you heard of this new drug called "Broom"
It's a craze that is sweeping the nation

behavioural psychology is the science of pulling habits out of rats

Why won't Scousers buy The Sun tomorrow?
They can't afford it.

2010: You're only cool if you have silly bandz.
2011: Planking is boss.
2012: HEY! Let's all choke on cinnamon.