I'm no weather man but you can expect more than a few inches tonight.

"[Dubstep] basically sounds like constipation therapy"

My wife gives good headache.

It's my fault that I have self blame issues.

Condoms should be used in all conceivable occasions.

So, if you have a Local Area Network in Australia, is that the LAN down under.

Since her stroke, my Mum's become so two-faced.

Can you picture a world without impossible visualised situations?

A little box keeps popping up on the screen.
Double glazing or triple glazing.
Must be a windows update.

Not saying my husband has got a big nose, but he's the only person I know that can smoke in the shower!

I was watching my wife on the toilet earlier when I thought, "She should use a stepladder if she can't reach the lightbulb."

An eye for an eye means my new Eyepatch business is booming.

I'm jealous of my parents, I'll never have a kid as cool as theirs.

I was attacked by a Brazilian street gang once but managed to get away... close shave.

For such a pessimistic, cynical and extremist lot, I'm surprised at how many people on here are married.

No phrase sums up an orphanage open day more than "finders keepers, losers weepers".

If I was any more street... I would be homeless

I've started going to the Gym to workout.
I'm trying to workout how to look good without lifting those big heavy bars.

The teacher asked, " Can you give me a good example of how heat expands things and cold contracts them?"
"Well," one alert pupil answered, "the days are much longer in summer.

Tried out some new itching powder today but it wasn't up to scratch..!

I often reminisce about adverbs, now and again.

I accidentally walked into the local mosque this morning and interrupted them in the middle of a yoga session.

After years of trying to damage a Bath Toy.
I've finally broken my duck

My mind is made up, Doctor Frankenstein is my dad.

Whenever I do crack I get hairs in my mouth