One Liners Joke

I've just bought a cardboard TV.
Its all paper view.

One Liners Joke

The inventor of the time machine has tragically died in a car crash, next week.

One Liners Joke

Ive been writing a report about my compulsive masturbation.
I came to the conclusion.

One Liners Joke

A bloke handed me a box of Jamaican hair the other day. Dreadful.

One Liners Joke

The Grim Reaper will never take me alive.

One Liners Joke

I can't even begin to count the number of beads that just fell off my abacus

One Liners Joke

My wife said she was leaving me because I don't listen
Or something like that, I wasn't paying attention

One Liners Joke

SQA Examinations, that's the real sick joke here.

One Liners Joke

I was never christened, thank god for that.

One Liners Joke

Anorexic pop comebacks- They're not over till the fat lady sings.

One Liners Joke

Looking at the two finalists in the masters snooker, reminds me of the sound my microwave makes.

One Liners Joke

As a cannibal, I always have a hearty breakfast.

One Liners Joke

If you're struggling to make sense of it all and don't know where to turn, just step back and try to see the big picture.
Art galleries aren't for everyone.

One Liners Joke

It took me a great deal to win last nights poker game.

One Liners Joke

I took the first job I was offered, with gocompare.com
I was subsequently fired

One Liners Joke

David Cameron employing Andy Coulson what next, a butcher employing maggots?

One Liners Joke

Uproar in Manchester after they finally hear of the Oasis split

One Liners Joke

I take apart more IKEA furniture than all the other people on my street put together.

One Liners Joke

The download speed of my Sky broadband service is so slow, that if it gets any slower, it will start uploading

One Liners Joke

I ordered a Long Sleeve England Football Shirt at 10% off.
When it arrived it was a Short sleeve.

One Liners Joke

I bought a book the other day called "Do things for you, make friends that aren't looking for somebody to take advantage of". It was really expensive but apparently it's very good, can't wait till my mate finishes reading it.

One Liners Joke

My wife's been searching everywhere for her Christmas presents, she'll never find them...
They're in the cleaning cupboard.

One Liners Joke

I splashed out on the wife, this Christmas. I gave her a pearl necklace.

One Liners Joke

After getting a new tv I spent hours watching the box
.. Then I opened it and got the telly out

One Liners Joke

Everyone has mental health issues,even Moses was a basket case.