The other day I got pulled over by a police officer. He made me roll down my window, then asked me if I knew why he pulled me over.
"Because you got D's in college," I replied.
I took the wife to the Doctors with an ingrowing toenail.
"The best practice is to remove it." he said. "Do you have any questons?"
"Yes," I said, "you know she's got an ingrowing tongue?"
A man goes into the doctor and says:
Man: "Doctor im having these visions where i see into the future."
Doctor: "When did this all start"
Man: "Next Thursday around dinner time"
BBC News: Reports of disturbances in Liverpool.
Local police and residents confused as to why this has made the news.
I used to work in a court and see a manner of disgusting people come in.
But, it's their decision what path to take in life and I'm not one to judge.
That's possibly why I don't work in a court any more.
Helping fat cops catch criminals since 2003.
To all the kids that failed their GCSE's, remember 2 things. 1.) You tried your absolute hardest. 2.) I don't have gherkins on my burger.
A policeman stopped me the other day and said, "I'd like you to blow into this bag sir."
I said, "What for officer?"
He replied, "My chips are too hot."
I went to the doctor's the other week and said "You've got to help me out...I'm 28yrs old, losing all my hair and I've developed a liking for lollipops!"
He said "Sounds like you're suffering from premature kojakulation."
Police can now tell that your on drugs while driving by looking at your eyes.
I don't mind though, they can't see through the joint smoke in my car.
I've recently got a job as a shepard and it's so tiring.
I can't even count my flock without falling asleep.
Alzheimer's Test: If you turn up for the appointment, you're gonna be okay.
I'm a gynaecologist.
Or as I prefer to say - I work in Customer Cervixes.
A guy said to me "You buskers are all the same, get a real job!"
I begged to differ.
BBC News: Police to lose '10,000 by 2013'.
Which, by my estimate, is 4.96770989.
I've just seen a plastic surgeon.
He almost looked real.
You wouldn't believe how many hoops I had to jump through to get my job with the Police dog display team.
My ex-girlfriend is a Secretary. When she dumped me, she gave me a weeks notice.
On the plus side, she got me a temp.
Following a robbery in the area, the police were going door to door. When I answered, there was a huge black copper stood on the step.
Got to admit that my initial quip of "Ah poacher turned gamekeeper eh?" did not set us off on the best of terms.
I was stopped and searched by a copper on the way home from the pub last night. As he was about to go through my pockets, he said to me, "Have you got anything sharp on you?"
So I said, "Well, this jacket's by Hugo Boss."
"Can you help me, doctor?" asks the patient.
"Hmm," says the doctor. "I think I'll prescribe a course of peat treatment at a health farm."
"Will that cure me?"
"Probably not, but it'll help you get used to damp earth."
Bomb disposal experts' wives. Keep your hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
I recently went for a job at the head office of the Ordnance Survey.
They kept asking if I could give them a reference.
I told them, "N 50.93, W 01.47."
Obviously there's no Polish translation for: "Don't put all your eggs in one basket"
I was at the police station the other day after being mugged in a dark alley.
The policeman asked "So what did your attacker look like?"
I replied "I don't know I could only see his teeth!"