I went to the doctors today to get my test results.
He said, "I'm not going to sugar coat it"
"Why not?" I asked, "Is it something serious?"
"No, it's diabetes."

Doctor: Whats wrong with your brother?
Boy: He thinks hes a chicken.
Doctor: Really? How long has he thought this?
Boy: Three years.
Doctor: Three years?!?
Boy: We would have brought him in sooner, but we needed the eggs.

I just read an article about the 72-year old woman who was tasered by a policeman. According to the article the local residents were "Shocked".
Poor choice of words...

Anybody else think the police are becoming lazier?
They find a womans body in a freezer
They are treating it as suspicious...
Almost as if they are half expecting she tripped, fell in and locked herself in there?!

The Iranian leader has left on a tour of friendly countries. He's expected home tomorrow.

I went to see a fortune teller in Birmingham.
She said, "When you walk out the door, you will meet a tall, dark stranger..."

I simply don't believe the police when they say those responsible for trafficking children are extremely difficult to detect.
Only today I spotted one near a school, wearing a bright yellow jacket, standing next to a stick shaped like a lollipop.

I was so angry and a go at the cops last week when they took my driving license away. So you should have seen how good I felt as I drove past them again today with no seat belt on and while using my phone. Those fools just stared and did nothing, they know not to mess with me again.....anyway i gotta get off the bus now.

Gynaecologist.
Now there is a man who knows how to treat a Lady.

I applied for a job at my local benefits office and accidentally sent the wrong CV.
This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.

I'm absolutly gutted, I just lost my job as cheif of police.
All I did was arrest a PCSO for impersonating a police officer.

Bullied at School?
Join the Metropolitan Police and get your own back!
Call the recruitment line on 0845 *** ****

I had a secret meeting with a detective last night.
He said it was better if I didn't know his name, then extended his hand for me to shake.
That was a bit of a give away, Inspector Gadget.

"I'm prescribing you these suppositories," explains the doctor, "simply insert them every morning."
"On an empty stomach?"
"No, best not to push them that far in."

SKY NEWS: Doctor sacked for playing Solitaire on duty
Sounds like he doesn't have any patients.

After being off work I went to the doctors today.
He gave me a "Certificate of Sickness"
I was well pleased - maybe next time I'll get a badge.

I tried to become a professional fisherman but I soon realised I would never be able to survive off my net income.

A primary school teacher asks one of her students, "Dave, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
"A plumber, miss," replies Dave proudly.
The teacher laughs, "But you don't know what a plumber does! And will you be able to carry all the heavy tools?"
Dave replies, "Yes miss, I visited some websites that showed me exactly what a plumber does. They even gave me tips on how to become really strong in just four weeks!"

I got a rise at work the other day.
It's that secretary bending over all the time.

"Well, Doctor, my friend was recently in a brothel and now he's worried he might have caught something. What do you recommend?"
"Hmm, how about you drop your trousers and show me your friend?"

A Muslim chef has lost an appeal at a tribunal, claiming that he has to handle pork products in a police canteen.
Tribunal ruled that he has no case as he already works with pigs.

If I ever got arrested I'd use my one phone call to phone the police station and tell them I'd planted a bomb there. That'll show 'em.

What's the difference between a chef and a council-worker?
The chef would get sacked if he didn't order enough salt.

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?"
"Limp!"

Community support officers : Proof that the government has a sense of humour.