The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Oxford and I need some help. If I were to give you 20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

I recently tried to join the Magic Circle, but failed the interview.
They kept asking me trick questions.

How do you tell the difference between a British Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?
Pose the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
UK POLICE OFFICER'S ANSWER
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 999?
Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed days and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour. If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed when he falls over running away, knocks his head and kills himself?
If I shoot him, and lose the court case does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and I will lose my family home?
AUSTRALIAN OFFICER'S ANSWER
BANG!
AMERICAN OFFICER'S ANSWER
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click... (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click.
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Dad! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"

Surely the Society of Indexers should be known as, Indexers, society of, The.

What's the difference between George Sampson and London coppers?
At least when George Sampson beat two Muslims he did it on live TV

A fat middle-aged woman and her beautiful 18 year-old daughter enter the doctor's surgery.
The doctor says to the daughter, "Okay, get undressed."
The woman says, "Oi, it's me that's come to see you!"
Doctor, "Alright, stick your tongue out and say ahh."

Yesterday I told my doctor that I kept thinking that I was Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck, and he said, "how long have you been having these Disney spells?"

I've not been having much luck with the ladies lately.
This week I've already had two pick me out of the line up!

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problem he has getting a close shave around his cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber, "just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does!"

I was stopped by a policeman and asked if I could identify myself. I looked in the mirror and said, "Yes officer, it's definitely me."

Police have stated their concern about the amount of farmers who are taking up heroin use. The problem is, trying to find the evidence is like.....

I've been nominated for a 'Hairdresser of the Year' award.
Best Newcomber.

BBC News: Should the police now have arms?
I think it would generally help for driving the cars, holding the nightstick, lifting man-hole covers for storm drains, etc

What's a Cops favourite Hand in Poker?
Four Clubs beats a Spade.

A car was pulled over for speeding on a main road, and the policeman went up to the driver's window.
The policeman said, "I've been waiting for this all day."
So the driver said, "Well I got here as fast as I could!"

Bankers are people that help you with problems you would not have had without them.

I was absolutely distraught upon opening a letter from my GP informing me I only had 2 months to live.
Imagine my relief when I realised it was addressed to my teenage son.

My horse came in down the bookies today.
I said, "shouldn't you be down the racetrack?"

A guy goes to the psychiatrist.
"What's your problem then?" asks the shrink.
"My wife treats me like a dog!" says the man.
"OK, lie down on the couch and tell me about it"
"Sorry I can't, I'm not allowed on the couch!"

"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a Tyrannosaurus Rex."
"And how long have you felt like this?"
"About 65 million years."

"Doctor Doctor, I found a lump on my prostate."
"How did you manage to do that?"
"Err..."

Working at the doctor's office has its advantages: whenever I'm feeling down, I just send a 'get well soon' card to a few people on the hypochondriacs list.

With my doctor, I don't get any respect. I told him I wanted a vasectomy.
He replied, "With a face like that you don't need one".

I went to the doctors yesterday complaining of a sore spine
He asked me when i first felt any pain
I told him about a week back

Could my local force be having its first person with Down's Syndrome in uniform?
Apparently, he would be a Special Constable.