My dentist just won 'dentist of the year'
All he got was a little plaque.
Tip of the day:
When a police officer says to you "Put your hands up."
Don't say, "For Detroit."
What do you call an African accountant?
I have a question for all you French who think no one should be allowed to wear a veil at work.
...what about bee keepers?
My cousin just died, he was only 19.
He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.
I got caught speeding yesterday. The policeman asked me to step out of the car and walk in a straight line.
Half way down he stopped me and said, "I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to come back to the station with me as you're staggering."
I replied, "Oohh, you little tiger, you're not so bad looking yourself."
How many black policemen are praying that all the good stuff isn't gone before their day off?
Visibility wasn't good the other day, and I got pulled over by a traffic cop whilst doing 70mph.
He asked, "What would you do if Mr. Fog came down suddenly?"
"I would put Mr. Foot on Mr. Brake," I sarcastically replied.
"Let me start again," he sighed, "What would you do if mist or fog came down suddenly?"
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post.
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
The Welsh mining industry looks set for a come-back......
Apparently they've found some copper in Snowdonia.
I have a confession. For most of my childhood, I was under the impression that one of the most exciting, fun filled, action packed professions in the world was being a plumber. Now, that I've picked it as a career choice, I see the mistake I've made.
Thanks for ruining my life, Mario.
BBC news: Met Police to help in Madeleine Hunt.
Nice to see their response time hasn't been affected by the cuts.
Patient: Doctor, my wife thinks I'm crazy because I like sausages.
Psychiatrist: Nonsense! I like sausages too.
Patient: Good, you should come and see my collection, I've got hundreds of them.
I got stopped by a copper last night. The officer said, "Do you have a police record?"
I said, "Yes, Walking on the Moon from 1979."
The police have issued a photograph of a man they want in connection with a string of robberies in the South East.
What I don't understand is: why they didn't keep hold of him after they'd taken his photo?
Apparently a lot of sniffer dogs are vanishing into thin air.
Police say they have several leads...
A young woman goes to the gynaecologist's for the first time. She disrobes and places her legs in the stirrups. As the doctor begins to examine her, he says, "Relax, you are about to feel a little numbness."
"What do you mean?" asks the woman.
The doctor puts his head in between her legs and mumbles, num-num-num-num-num-num...
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands,
Police say that he topped himself.
I rang the local ramblers club yesterday.
The bloke at the other end went on and on and on.
I went to the doctor's the other day and he said, "I can't find a cause for your illness though, quite frankly, I think it's the drinking."
"Okay," I said, "I'll come back when you're sober."
So I said to this Doctor in the pub today. "Do you treat alcoholics?"
He said "Not usually, but what you having?"
Don't bother putting those handcuffs on me, officer; they don't fit.
Me and your wife have already established that.
Old lady goes to the dentist, sits on the chair, lowers her panties and lifts her legs up.
Dentist says "I'm not a Gynaecologist."
"I know," she says "I want you to take my husband's teeth out."
I recently got a job at a prison brothel.
It has its pros and cons.