The number of words that don't follow the "I before E" rule is reaching new heights!

I made a really good citrus fruit that grows underwater
It's sublime

A deacon walks into a crowded room and screams 'fire'. As the people run out he says "I'm kidding. Just wanted to deacon-jest the place"

So they have found water on Mars
Is this a Mars spa ?

My mates get annoyed when I mix up the names of sweets.
Well I am sorry. Those are just my tac tics.

I haven't had a single visitor to my Museum of Television Controllers.
People aren't remotely interested.

I used to be an avid reader of the sun...
I enjoy light comedy.

The black guys in my area are very dodgy.
They always seem to avoid my bullets.

My manager decided to quit his job as he had better things coming his way.
When questioned about this idea, he exclaimed "I've found a gap in the market. I'm going to make a watch, on a belt!"
What a waist of time!

My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum.

Since buying
these Robotic Sheep, I
constantly have to upgrade my
RAM.

If I ever have to open another Fray Bentos pie again, I'll slit my wrists.

My wife said, "It's raining cats and dogs outside!"
I replied, "Well, as long as it wasn't reindeer."

Just planted a few bulbs.
Gonna have my own solar plant!

Job vacancy in the local newspaper
Do you want to be a part of an expanding contracting company?

Westlife singer Shane Filan has been declared bankrupt in the UK.
Filan for bankruptcy.

My mate said to me 'I bet you 20 that Poland go through'
Czech again

My uncle smuggled board games for the Germans during the war. He was sentenced to death for being a yahtzee sympathiser.

I've never believed in horses.
I'm a neightheist.

A mobile phone video of a man being repeatedly tasered by officers is being investigated by the police watchdog.
The man who took the video said he was completely shocked and stunned by what he saw.

A man walks into a scientists' bar and aks how much it is for a pint of adenosine triphosphate.
The barman replies, 'That'll be eigh-tee-p!'

Caesarian Sections.
They're a cut above.

Today, a doctor came up to me and offered to repair my destroyed nerve endings with an experimental procedure.
Couldn't hurt.

There are so many Bernard Matthews jokes about already. Talk about hopping on the bandwagon.
I bet he's twizzling in his grave!

My room-mate woke me up in the middle of the night with his sack in my face.
I was bolloxed.