Puns Joke

Heard about the dentist that started on the manicurist?
They fought tooth and nail.

Puns Joke

I killed a bird with a small axe and then found an egg.
I decided to hatchet

Puns Joke

I had one of those heart stopping moments today.
It was cardiopulmonary arrest.

Puns Joke

My mate bought a solid gold hi-hat for his drum kit.
He regards it as a status cymbal.

Puns Joke

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Puns Joke

Our local flag shop has shut down because of a lack of stock
That place never had any standards.

Puns Joke

I saw some people giving the police around of an applause in South London today. I thought, theres no need to Clapham

Puns Joke

Single white mail seeking stamp for long term relationship.

Puns Joke

3.14% of all fish are Pi ranhas.

Puns Joke

How did ancient Egyptian con artists make their money?
With pyramid schemes.

Puns Joke

Just after noticing that the Spanish are getting a lot of praise for their good defense.
I disagree I think they Arbeloa professional standard.

Puns Joke

I crashed my lorry load of Parker Pens today.
It was a write off.

Puns Joke

I'm setting up a law practice that specialises in defending Paedophiles.
To attract business we're advertising for a barely legal secretary.

Puns Joke

I am going to plant trees in the garden, but I think there's enough.
I'm getting Sycamore.

Puns Joke

I am setting up a shopping website called Bulldozers.com.
I should be able to take down Amazon

Puns Joke

I've just returned from taking the kids to see Toy Story 3.
We didn't manage to get in, apparently goats aren't allowed in cinemas.

Puns Joke

Facebook Status Shuffle:
For those who need help.

Puns Joke

My Daughter said she had to do a study on a meteor shower - The school didnt take kindly to a video of me showering with a Peperami

Puns Joke

My Geordie mate Kev was having a rant the other day, "I tell you what man, the next person I hear making insulting sterotypical remarks about us Geordie's is gonna get stabbed in the eye!"
"Why eye?" I asked

Puns Joke

I threw my fizzy drink in my mate's face the other day. He got really angry.
I told him to calm down, it was only a bit of Fanter.

Puns Joke

I keep missing the toilet.
It got stolen by some thugs last week. I just hope it's ok.

Puns Joke

I worked in the first ever CD destruction shop.
We were record breakers.

Puns Joke

I'm not looking forward to waking up tomorrow.
Think it's going to be a real eye opener.

Puns Joke

My friend told me he was looking for a new girlfriend yesterday.
I said "Didn't you just get a new one last week?"
He said "That's the one im looking for".

Puns Joke

My Mum had tried killing me when she was hoovering...
She kept screaming Dyson! Dyson! Dyson!