Heard about the dentist that started on the manicurist?
They fought tooth and nail.
I killed a bird with a small axe and then found an egg.
I decided to hatchet
I had one of those heart stopping moments today.
It was cardiopulmonary arrest.
My mate bought a solid gold hi-hat for his drum kit.
He regards it as a status cymbal.
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Our local flag shop has shut down because of a lack of stock
That place never had any standards.
I saw some people giving the police around of an applause in South London today. I thought, theres no need to Clapham
Single white mail seeking stamp for long term relationship.
3.14% of all fish are Pi ranhas.
How did ancient Egyptian con artists make their money?
With pyramid schemes.
Just after noticing that the Spanish are getting a lot of praise for their good defense.
I disagree I think they Arbeloa professional standard.
I crashed my lorry load of Parker Pens today.
It was a write off.
I'm setting up a law practice that specialises in defending Paedophiles.
To attract business we're advertising for a barely legal secretary.
I am going to plant trees in the garden, but I think there's enough.
I'm getting Sycamore.
I am setting up a shopping website called Bulldozers.com.
I should be able to take down Amazon
I've just returned from taking the kids to see Toy Story 3.
We didn't manage to get in, apparently goats aren't allowed in cinemas.
Facebook Status Shuffle:
For those who need help.
My Daughter said she had to do a study on a meteor shower - The school didnt take kindly to a video of me showering with a Peperami
My Geordie mate Kev was having a rant the other day, "I tell you what man, the next person I hear making insulting sterotypical remarks about us Geordie's is gonna get stabbed in the eye!"
"Why eye?" I asked
I threw my fizzy drink in my mate's face the other day. He got really angry.
I told him to calm down, it was only a bit of Fanter.
I keep missing the toilet.
It got stolen by some thugs last week. I just hope it's ok.
I worked in the first ever CD destruction shop.
We were record breakers.
I'm not looking forward to waking up tomorrow.
Think it's going to be a real eye opener.
My friend told me he was looking for a new girlfriend yesterday.
I said "Didn't you just get a new one last week?"
He said "That's the one im looking for".
My Mum had tried killing me when she was hoovering...
She kept screaming Dyson! Dyson! Dyson!