I love grandfather clocks big time.

Afghan girl killed by falling propaganda leaflets.
That's what I call a letter bomb!

I saw an ex Man United player eating an entire pack of haribo by himself.
He wasn't Sheringham.

The ten largest baseball stadiums hold between 46,000 - 56,000 people.
Just some ballpark figures for you.

I've got a heroin addiction.
I can't stop reading Wonder Woman comics.

I think all this time at the gym is paying off.
Today I managed to stop a double decker bus with one hand.

Nails are one thing you don't want to screw with.

Understanding the horizon.
It's beyond me.

For the record, I bought a vinyl cleaning machine

Whenever I find a pretty girl I look for intelligence.
Because if she doesn't have that, then she's mine!

It has been annoying me for ages because I forgot the name of the actor that played Forrest Gump, then someone told me today.
T.Hanks.

Of all the things that Darth Vader lost when the Death Star blew up, it was the destruction of his George Michael box set that affected him most deeply.
He finds his lack of Faith disturbing.

I feel so sorry for those Chinese babies who died after having milk contaminated with melamine.
On the bright side they may be dead but at least they had a lovely finish.

Over 60 people have been injured in a crowd surge at the switching-on of Birmingham's Christmas lights, during a free concert by boy band JLS.
I don't know, teenage girls and their crushes...

I was in bed and I heard someone break in downstairs, I didn't know which room he was in, so I took a stab in the dark.....Got him.

My mate was in a go kart race and kept going even after all his wheels fell off.
It was a tireless effort

Which city has the worst karaoke bars?
Singapore.

Today the whole world came crashing down on me.
So I grabbed some blu-tac and put the map back up on the wall.

I intend to finish the day as I start it. Asleep.

Somebody closed the lid on my piano. Now i can't open it because the keys are inside.

If the pun is the flagship of English humour, then innuendo is the seamen all over it.

Once a year my village holds a market for the locals to sell their wares. I baked a couple of cakes to flog - one was priced at a pound, and the other one was a fiver.
A chap stopped at my stall and looked at the cakes, before pointing at the one costing a fiver and asking, "what type of cake is that one, then?"
I replied, "That's Madeira cake!"

A good pun has its own reword.

Whenever I opened my loaf, I noticed there was a dead rodent in it.
Then I thought, "That mouse is inbred."

A fisherman was trying to learn the alphabet.
He got lost at C.