My son made it through a blood transfusion so I bought him a 50" HDTV.
He loves his new plasma.

It pains me to say it, but I have a sore throat

Know what's odd?
About every other number.

Having just punched a midget selling watches, I know I've hit an all time low.

So the back of this guy's anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him.
I said, 'do you earn a living doing that?'
He said, 'yes, this is my livelihood.'

When I was a kid I used to love Meccano. I would spend ages alone in my room, with my tool in my hand, tightening my little nuts.

I got beaten up by a guy with a big nose and curly hair.
I think he knew jew-jitsu.

Apparently a truck carrying boxes of wigs has overturned, spilling its load across the M1.
Police are combing the area.

You know that you're getting old when your narrow waist swaps places with your broad mind.

My son kept saying, "Dad, Dad I'm hot, I'm hot. I need an ice cream. Can I get one please?"
He just kept going on and on, so in the end I couldn't take the whinging any more. I gave in and I got him a Magnum.
He used it to rob the ice cream man.

I have come to the realisation that I am in fact, a man trapped inside a womans body....
I probably shouldn't have put the lube next to the glue...

My great grandfather once paid a famous artist to draw a portrait of him.
Unfortunately the artist died half way through and never got to finish the work, so that was a waste of Monet.

For his birthday I bought my son a large wooden castle, but he hated it.
It's the fort that counts

"Vigil held in Birmingham" I don't know where the other Thunderbirds are.

The invisible man marries the invisible woman....
The kids were nothing to look at either.

What do you call it when a fraud falls from the top of a building?
Condescending.

My friend is really interested in magnets.
Personally, I can't see the attraction.

I've just come back from the corner shop.
I bought four corners.

I bought a cheap Jack-in-a-box and it failed miserably.
It doesn't surprise me.

You won't believe me when I tell you this, but I'm a big liar.

Took a fat girl out for dinner two weeks ago.
She's still there.

I played in a football match that ended in a 2-2 draw.

No 1-1

I love my English teacher.
I would hate him if he was any other nationality.

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name.
It's P something T something R.

I used to file my nails, but I thought: 'what's the point in keeping them?'