I was driving around the industrial estate in my Land Rover and saw a sign on the roundabout advertising a "4 x 4 specialist" so I pulled in.
Apparently, the answer's 16.
My girlfriend wanted perfume & jewellery for her birthday but I got her a chocolate egg & a toy instead.
She was kinder surprised.
My wife started yelling at me because I shaved my head.
I tried to explain it was because my base jumping instructor told me to, but she just said "If he told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?"
It seems google news feed definitely has a sense of humour given I woke up to this:
"Remains of british tourist found in Lebanon - Yahoo!"
My mate said the drink I bought him tasted funny.
It was a cheap shot.
I hate French jokes.
The other day I was trying to make a noise with two of my fingers and my thumb, and no matter how much I practiced nothing seemed to work...
Then it clicked
Let me get this straight.
That will do.
To neigh or not to neigh.
That is equestrian.
Who needs rhetorical questions?
My local museum is trying to raise money by setting up a dinosaur fossil display. How will it work?
Remains to be seen
My talking dog gave me a stick the other day and told me he found it 600 miles away.
That's a bit far-fetched.
Do gun manuals have a "trouble shooting?" section?
The Beach Boys walk into a bar
"Get a round"
"I get a round?"
"Get a round...."
The Sun headline: Air strike planned
Well I hope it doesn't last long, I can't hold my breath for more than 20 seconds.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron."
The other says "Are you sure?"
The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits.
He said, "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."
Hedgehogs: Why can't they share the hedge?
I would make a demoralising, patronising joke about your height, but I'm bigger than that.
Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Don't worry, I only suffered super fish oil injuries.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
Kim Jong-un promises a new clear future for North Korea.
Oops, spelt nuclear wrong.
I've just seen a bunch of Mexicans packed into a tiny Ford playing the macarana and eating tortillas.
I think it was a Fiesta.
I just saw Toy Story in 3D...
The guy in 4D asked me to take off my hat.
My wife said she's leaving me because I never make any sense,
and thats why I dont like cricket.