"25 Artists in tonights Eurovision, and I can tell you that one of them will be the winner"
Oh well I never!

Some bloke just came up to me and said, "Did I see you on the telly this morning?"
I said, "I don't know mate... You can't see out the other way."

Wanna get ripped in 4 weeks?
Book a table for two at one of Gordon Ramsay's overpriced poncey restaurants for the 25th of March.

Friend of mine asked me is a rhetorical question one that doesnt require an answer.
I replied 'What do you think?'

I want to be rich and famous. I want more money than I can spend, and I want looks of adoration wherever I go. I want this to be for something worthwhile.
I want to have a family, a gorgeous wife and three beautiful children. I want to give them everything I never had, not forgetting to give them the benefit of the experiences I did have.
I want a world without war, without hate, without deceit. I want this to be presided over fairly and democratically. I want an end to injustice in all its forms and guises.
I also want a Pot Noodle.

This actually happened.
I was driving behind a van that was advertising a company that makes cakes, and on the back it said 'A birthday cake for all occasions',
So just birthdays then.

I don't get why we're creating a colony of obese monkeys to study diabetes.
Don't scientists know about trailer parks?

It was brilliant seeing him again after all these months and even some of the neighbours popped round with a bottle of bubbly to celebrate. We think he may have been drunk when he said it though?
But the postman's now promised he might come again in a couple of weeks.

I just had a Bulmers No. 37....
I really should have stopped after no. 36 because I can't remember where I live.

My wife told me to dig a hole and die, but she's forgetting that men can't multi task.

Can't decide whether to have children or get a dog.
It's a choice between wrecked furniture, or my future.

'Describing my love for you is like describing the taste of water,' I said to my new girlfriend.
Smiling, she said 'Awww..'
'Yeah, its bland and doesn't exist.'

I'm attending the annual Sarcasm convention tomorrow.
I can't wait...

MasterCard: "There are some things money can't buy."
Like defence?

Sarcasm, the lowest form of wit?
I was always under the impression it was Jim Davidson

My wife looks like Cheryl Cole,
but shorter, fatter and uglier.

Had quite a nasty crash this morning. Thankfully however im not a woman so I just turned the computer off and back on again and everything was fine

Its very handy that all the High Court Judges names are Mr Justice .....
What are the odds?

In this weeks FHM, "Ricky Gervais and Chris Rock teach you how to be funny".
Next months edition will feature Emile Heskey's tips on how to put the ball in the back of the net.

A report in the paper today says a man was stabbed in the eye with an umbrella waiting for a taxi after a Christmas party. I wonder if Batman knows about this?

I was in the shoe shop wanting to buy a pair of trainers.
When I found a pair that I liked, I asked the guy if they had any in size 9.
He said, "Sorry mate, we only have size 8, will that do?"
I said, "Yeah that's perfect, I was planning to go home and cut off the tips of my toes any way."

A news report read: "Council Spending Cuts Spark Demonstrations"
That's a shame. since cancelling November 5th for Health & Safety, the council have always put on amazing firework displays for Diwali, Ramadan, Eid and the Birthday of Guru Tegh Bahadur.

I've recently opened a small chain of supermarkets and I really want to get a celebrity chef to endorse it.
I'm just worried that I won't be able to find one willing to destroy their credibility by being in a cheap advert, just for the money.

I was licking out my girlfriend the other night when i suddenly thought
"hmm.. tastes like mums"

BBC NEWS - Royal Mail tests evening delivery.
That's brilliant, I can finally get my post a bit earlier.