Sepp Blatter is the only candidate for Fifa President, with his only rival having pulled out after being suspended.
I'm sure the world is glad to finally see that Fifa isn't corrupt at all, with this demonstration of a completely fair election, with no suggestion of blackmail or intimidation.

Ellie is just one of the thousands of actors who have tasted and approved Asda's new chosen by you range...

How many blind people does it take to change a lightbulb?
Well think about it, there wouldn't be much point, would there?

So England v Holland tomorrow has been postponed.
It's funny how the Ghana v Nigeria match at Watford hasn't been cancelled if it had there would've been riots everywhere!!

Roughly, women go through the change at more or less the same time in life.
As soon as you marry them.

I've won soo much on the Euromillions, IE cannot display it!!!.

"Murder accused says he is 'Crossbow Cannibal' "
Carlsberg don't do defence strategies, but if they did, they'd be about as good as their beer.

In france they've always been very thoughtfull about the environment. I mean even in 1624 lodewijk de 14e allready thought about it. He designed the fountains in the palace of Versailles in such a way that only half of them work at a time.

Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn't stop that murder.

Some people are as complex as the pricing strategy at Poundland.

Groundskeeper "Oy you, It's against the law to fish round here".
Me "I'm not fishing-I'm teaching my worm to swim".

My wife said she's leaving me because I'm a "self-loving narcissist".
Jokes on her, 'self-loving narcissist' is redundant. I wouldn't have made that mistake.

Portuguese detectives have tonight found the body of Maddie McCann in her Praia Da Luz apartment.
The Metropolitan Police have been first to offer their congratulations.

I downloaded i-player and i-tunes onto my i-mac to put on my i-pod and i-pad.
Im so excited i cant wait to get on the i-phone and tell all my friends! Balance, O2 customer services and the samaritans will be well impressed.

I don't know what all this hype is about Man Utd's goal against Tottenham yesterday? It was at Old Trafford after all ...
The unbiased referee clearly let Gomes off a booking for handling the ball in his own area as well.

Pat and Mick, came from Ireland to Liverpool, and the mother said before they left "If you get in one of them big black taxi's only pay the fare on the meter."
When they arrived in Liverpool they called a black taxi and asked to go to an address in upper parliament street, when they arrived the taxi driver said, "that will be 4",
Pat said "There is only 3.60 on the meter and that is all I'm going to pay you,"
"Iye," Says Mick "And that's all I'm going to pay you as well,"

Woo! finally something for the trophy cabinet ! That tiny little trophy will look huge in our cabinet.
Right next to where they expected the world cup and the Wimbledon cup to sit...

I have just noticed a label on my new headphones that says 'Insert headphones in ear'
There was me thinking it was a suppository.

TV advert for a home learning....
"I have just completed my creative writing course, the feeling is....indiscribable"
Money well spent then!

Red Dead Redemption is so real...
It's like your really in Back to the Future part 3.

InjuryLawyers4U: 'We hope you'll never need us'
Yes I'm sure you're more than content to have no-one need you and end up making no profit and having to close down.

I've got to hand it to those responsible for the way they've handled the recent riots.
Postponing the start of the football season will definitely settle things down.

What do you call a cheap tanning place?
Outside.

Tony Blair being "Middle East Peace Envoy" is like McDonalds sponsoring "Slimmer of the Year"

I'll tell you who gets a bad press.
Anyone who reads The Sun or Daily Star.