Is it just me or does anyone else think that the guys who diligently trawl through jokes to write "DUPLICATE" have jobs as traffic wardens?
A lovely, quiet evening in with the boyfriend.
So much so that she feels the need to tell Facebook.
A cop walks up my car, " Sir, do you know why I'm standing here?".... "Because you got all C's in highschool?"
BBC News- UFO identified.
An IFO then.
My mate just texted me saying, "I wanna read a book. Wat wud you recommend?"
"The Oxford English Dictionary" I replied.
In the news 'five year old girl loses leg to menangitis, now a kickboxer'
Should read: 'parents love media attention, more than their daughter'
Carbon footprint ad: 'Drive 5 miles less and reduce your carbon footprint'
good advice... but how exactly do I get to work?
A news headline read: 'Harry Potter blamed for India's owl crisis'
No real surprise, that a country that has a six-armed elephant-man as a god, would think Harry Potter is an actual person.
The British Army are coming under pressure to use lead free bullets.
Yea, because we don't want the enemy getting lead poisoning while we're trying to kill them.
Just saw the headline on the BBC news website:
"Hostage 'delighted' to be back"
It's great to see that news reporting remains insightful and enterprising.
My wife said to me "If you suddenly had 1 million pounds in your pocket, what would be the first thing you'd buy?"
I said "A pair of jeans with smaller pockets".
I had a really happy childhood with lots of friends, nice holidays, always doing exciting things and had an all round good upbringing.
And that's why I'll never win an Olympic medal.
My wife has become so fat, I said to her
"You are starting to look like my ex-wife".
"But you only have ever been married to me". She replied
"Yes, I know"
Headline: "Factory ruined in 'suspect' fire."
Police are on the lookout. Suspect is thought to be glowing orange and boiling hot.
When is snow not snow?
When it falls in London. It then becomes a national emergency.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I'm typing this with my middle finger.
The parents of Jonathan Cooke have described him as 'our little Indiana Jones'....funny, I don't remember Indiana Jones being killed with an air rifle.
Women want equal pay? Great! Start by paying for dinner.
I just recently fell down the stairs carrying my 2 year old daughter, don't worry though, I managed to strategically position her in such a way that I didn't get hurt.
What's the difference between my kitchen and the council?
My kitchen always has enough salt.
Following the death of the 16 year old girl shot at a London takeaway, a post-mortem examination has given the cause of death as a gunshot wound.
That'll soon clear up all those conspiracies of a new super intelligent species of flying, metallic, flesh eating beetle.
'I'm gonna cut off my eyebrows and draw new ones on with a pencil' - Woman logic
Policemen nowadays clearly don't have common sense anymore..
They clamped my car the other day because it was blocking traffic..
You're about as useful as Joseph Fritzl's wine cell-
ok, bad example
I've just heard on the radio a story in Scotland where a family have had their children taken into care because the parents are over weight and social services fear for the childrens safety.
What are they going to do? Eat them?