Sayings Joke

If music be the food of love, then masturbation is just a snack between meals.

Sayings Joke

My wife always gets the wrong end of the stick.
So now i just use a spade.

Sayings Joke

My Grandad's very intelligent, but he still 'talks in riddles'. Yesterday he said, "Where there are visible vapors having their prevalence in ignited carbonaceous material, there is conflagration."
I didn't have a clue what he was on about, but I thought "There's no smoke without fire."

Sayings Joke

Why is it only my wife who tells me that "it's the little things in life that matter"?

Sayings Joke

Whoever says that its not the winning its the taking part that counts has obviously never played russian roulette.

Sayings Joke

A lot of people say that I'm full of trite clichs.
I don't care.
As long as I keep believing in myself, anything is possible.

Sayings Joke

My brother's taking his debt collectors exam tomorrow, I told him to break a leg.

Sayings Joke

Get rich or die trying.
Or in my case, don't even try and die doing something else.

Sayings Joke

My mates found out I was still playing with my A-Team figurines and started chucking them in the fire for laughs.
I tried saving Face,but to no avail.

Sayings Joke

A lot of people use idioms, but they're not my cup of tea.

Sayings Joke

I think they should get Adele to play at Bin Laden's funeral.
Just to make sure that it's really over.

Sayings Joke

As I lay there in intensive care, I realised 'the bigger they are, the harder they fall' was a little wide of the mark, and 'the bigger they are, the harder they punch' is a far more accurate idiom.

Sayings Joke

People who live in crack houses shouldn't throw rocks.

Sayings Joke

A watched pot never boils.
Unless you're Cyclops from X-Men.

Sayings Joke

I've got a mate with Spina Bifida, and he's a really nice guy. He'd bend over sideways to help anyone.

Sayings Joke

My Father once told me "Son, find a job you love and you'll never work another day in your life."
He was absolutely right...
I work for the council.

Sayings Joke

'A problem shared is a problem halved.'
Unless you share it with 6,000,000 people. Then it goes from 'A problem' to 'The Holocaust'.

Sayings Joke

Better the devil you know than the devil who makes you guess his name.

Sayings Joke

If you give an African a fish, he'll eat for a day.
If you give him a fishing rod, he'll think it's his brother with a reel of cotton.

Sayings Joke

A Gentleman is a person who can play the accordion but doesn't.

Sayings Joke

I'm sick and tired of people using me as an example, like I'm just some common individual.
Regards,
John Smith.

Sayings Joke

Women!
You give them an inch, they run off and have an affair.

Sayings Joke

WONDERBRA - Making mountains out of molehills since 1994

Sayings Joke

In a recent interview, Adele said "Life's thrown some stuff at me, but I'm still standing."
Of course you are love, everyone knows that 'Weebles wobble but they don't fall down'.

Sayings Joke

Just been to the cinema and sat with a champion wrestler to the left of me and Simon Weston to the right.
I was in between the Rock and a charred face.