Sayings Joke

Wise old saying: Girls who use their heads can stop the population explosion.

Sayings Joke

Give a monkey a typewriter and he may type out the works of Shakespeare, but give an educated man a laptop and, odds are, he will look at naked women.

Sayings Joke

My mum always said, "Never use two words when one will do."
Why didn't she just say, "Avoid verbosity"?

Sayings Joke

Why did the clock phone the ruler?
Because desperate times call for desperate measures....

Sayings Joke

I accidentally locked my coat hanger in my car today.
Luckily for me, I had my keys.

Sayings Joke

Due to inflation, a picture is now only worth 216 words.

Sayings Joke

Return flights.
They take me back.

Sayings Joke

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, why don't Daleks hide in orchards?

Sayings Joke

I'm sick of defending my son every time someone calls him a freak.
He needs to learn how to stand on his own three feet.

Sayings Joke

Herbal medicine.
Because thyme heals all wounds.

Sayings Joke

Good things come to those who wait.
Well... except for the people on death row.

Sayings Joke

I worked very hard to get to where I am in life.
An unemployed university graduate.

Sayings Joke

If I had a pound for every time my wife accused me of being unfaithful,
I could've bought my girlfriend that necklace she's always wanted.

Sayings Joke

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

Sayings Joke

If someone asks you if you're ticklish, it doesn't matter if you say yes or no, they're going to touch you.

Sayings Joke

I confidently walked up to a girl at the bar and introduced myself. She looked me in the eyes and said, "I think you're the one."
"Well how about we see how tonight goes first," I replied.
"No, you're definitely the one. It was five years ago and I was walking through the park late at night..."

Sayings Joke

My son asked me where the most dangerous place on earth is.
I'm stuck between Iraq/Kandahar place.

Sayings Joke

What do we want?
PROCRASTINATION!
When do we want it?
Next week.

Sayings Joke

"Two's company, three's a crowd"
As they like to say at Wigan Athletic.

Sayings Joke

"What doesn't kill me makes me stronger."
-Evil Knievel
"What doesn't kill me makes me smaller"
-Super Mario

Sayings Joke

How do you get a fat policewoman into bed?
PC cake

Sayings Joke

"One door closes, and another door opens" said my boss.
Which is why I'm such a poor submarine designer.

Sayings Joke

I was at death's door last night.
I said, "Could I interest you in our fantastic range of double glazing, Mr Reaper?"

Sayings Joke

There's an old saying, "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, but give him a fishing rod and he'll eat forever."
It was in this spirit that I gave the local winos some grapes.

Sayings Joke

You know how they say, "You end up looking like your pets"?
Well, I reckon my wife is hiding a pet hippo from me.