I've got a sister in Australia, and when i call her there's a slight delay on the line
Because she's a bit thick.
Government Message - 'Check Your Smoke Alarm On A More Regular Basis'
Sorry but I can't see anyone breaking into my house to steal my smoke alarm, it hasn't even got batteries in it.
I love being Schizophrenic.
I managed to do a Mexican Wave today all by myself.
I had a letter through the post saying my census is outstanding...
How they can judge how good it is when I haven't sent it off yet.
I was very pleased earlier when I finally opened the box with my new blow up doll in....
She looked so surprised to see me.
sounded so promising- turned out they were selling stuff to keep your house warm
I said to my mate the other day;
"My brother met a famous black rapper yesterday."
My mate replied;
"No, it was Jay-Z."
I just got on a bus with a bloke who works for Tesco.
I said, "Come and sit next to me mate."
He said, "I offered to take the shopping to your car."
I said. "I know you did, my car is on my drive."
I could tell that my dad was wearing my boxer shorts when I went into the living room.
I recognised his nose sticking out the slit at the front.
I had an interview for a job in a restaurant.
The guy said, "So, what would you bring to the table?"
"Whatever they ordered." I replied.
Today, I was cleaning the garage and found our old christmas lights. I noticed that the label said "for indoor and outdoor use only". I'm still wondering how anyone could possibly break this rule.
Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation
My wife came into the living room today and noticed the bloke stood in the middle of the room staring upward while applauding and wolf whistling.
"What's going on?" she asked
"It was hot and the guy at B&Q recommended a ceiling fan."
The fires in California are spreading, already killing 2 and threatening 100,000 homes.
That's what you get when you try to put the fire out with Marshmallows on sticks.
Some people say you must have played football to become a manager.
I wonder how many jockeys used to be a horse.
No matter how much money you give a homeless person for tea, you never actually get that tea.
What has one previous owner, four wheels and is easy to ride?
A teenage single mum.
I got a nasty burn on my arm today. I was taking a pie out of the oven when my dad came up behind me and put his cigarette out on my arm.
My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with the Internet.
Worse than that my son Google agrees with her.
The wife just said, "My shoes came."
I said, "I'm sorry babe, I didn't know they were your socks."
"If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best!" - the weather
Went to my doctors today with a health problem.
Can't believe he actually knew the unlimited power bar cheat for Street Fighter 5.
My wife is addicted to takeaways.
She's taken away my confidence, my dignity, my self-respect, my money....
My wife is on the Cyclops diet.
She's always got one eye on the fridge.
When I saw the police arrive at the pub I thought they might be looking for me so I went to hide in the ladies toilet.
Didn't half make that girl jump when she lifted the lid.