My new girlfriend is so demanding and she only yells at me when she needs something. Like, "I'm hungry!", "I need a drink!" or "Please let me go mister, I promise I won't tell anyone about this!"

Whilst outside a night club I overheard a bouncer saying that he would fight anybody for 200.
I said, "I'll give you a run for your money mate".
He said, "Come on then!"
I said, "Okay fatty, first one to the tree wins".

Ah! So that's what chloroform smells li...

I walked up to a girl in the club last night and said "Hey, babe you're like a garden shovel"
"Why?" she giggled, "Because you dig me?"
"No, because I'll probably keep you in my shed"

A policeman stopped me as I was running down the street last night and said, "Where are you off to?"
"I'm off to catch my train," I replied. "I'm late."
He said, "A man fitting your description has just been involved in a robbery. Do you mind if I search you?"
"Come on, mate," I pleaded. "My train is leaving in ten minutes."
He said, "It's up to you, we can do this now or at the station, your choice."
"The station," I replied, running off. "I'll meet you there."

I saw a sign the other day that said "Do not use the elevator in case of fire"
talk about paranoid

I crept into my 4 year old sons bedroom at 5am this morning. I quietly got onto his bed and then jumped up & down on him several times singing happy birthday.
He ended up with 3 broken ribs and a fractured pelvis.
That'll teach him for doing it to me on my birthday back in July.

Nose constantly running?
Feet smelling all the time?
Then you were probably built upside down.

I was on my way home from work, when the Mrs decide to ring.
''On your way home, pick something up for tea''
So, I bought her a kettle.

I went to my son's open day at his school this morning.
I couldn't believe that his English teacher was a Paki.
I had visions of walking to the playing fields and seeing Stephen Hawking teaching PE.

I do some bingo calling at the local care home every Sunday. My wife wanted to help out one week, so I let her have a go.
She picked out the first ball and shouted, "Oi!"
The old dears looked scared and confused, so I took the ball off my wife, turned it the right way up and said, "Cameron's den, number ten."

They say the imagination is unlimited?
Describe to me a completely new colour....

My dad gave me a riddle yesterday.
He said, "Now then Steven, I am my father's brother's daughter's only cousin. Who am I?"
That really confused me. I'm called Dave.

I don't know why people were giving me strange looks down at the beach just because I was wearing flip-flops.
My ears were cold.

It's unbelievable how easy kids exams are getting at school nowadays! My son came home and asked me to help with his mock exam paper. I decided to help him on the first question:
Question 1) Complete the following sequence: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5.............
Answer) Once I caught a fish alive.
That should get him a few extra marks.

One thing I hate is unpredictable jokes.
Said the lion with horse legs.

I was at the bus station the other day when I saw a phone which said "Do not use for 999 calls".
"Great", I thought, "I only need to make 998".

I couldn't get my new Freeview receiver working today so I phoned the shop.
"Have you connected the box to your TV?" he asked.
"No," I replied, "I squashed it and put it for recycling."

Through a Greenpeace scheme, I've already adopted a whale, a dolphin and a monkey ...
I'm really not looking forward to the day I get them all together and break it to them who their real father is.

What do you get if you kill 100 ogres with a can of special brew?
Kicked out of Games Workshop.

Apparently I enjoy stating the obvious, which means I take pleasure in explaining things people have already observed.

I was just at my neighbours' house for dinner but I had to leave unexpectedly.
They came home.

If Baker Street was the first underground station, where would the trains have run to?

Once I found a skull in the woods. The first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up and started wondering who this person was, and why he had antlers.

I work in a call centre in Norwich and we've just been told our jobs are moving to India.
I'm so excited! I've always wanted to visit India and with the salary they pay me I'll be able to live like a Maharaja over there.
Well done Aviva, keep up the good work.