" Doctor Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains"
" I'm sorry, I can't help you. I'm a General Practictioner. You obviously have mental health issues. I could refer you to a specialist if you wish"?

I Forgot my gloves.
Now I gotta walk around like I'm devising an evil plan.

My girlfriend produced a film.
Which is very unusual because I was expecting a baby.

When I was younger my parents kept saying I was going nowhere in life.
I sure showed them when I served them chips at McDonalds.

After seeing the Rossetta Stone TV ad about learning a new language I thought I would give it a go, knowing I could return it in 6 months if it didn't work.
After a while I rang them and demanded a refund, explaining how it isn't working and that I spend hours every day trying but to no result.
They didn't buy it and refused to give me a refund!
In hindsight, I probably shouldn't have spoke to them in Spanish.

Some bloke offered me 150,000 cash to buy my house.
I accepted his offer, took the money and moved out.
Not a bad little deal considering it was owned by the council.

'Rhino poaching problem in South Africa'.
Why can't they just stick to eggs like the rest of us?

I once went to see a dyslexic magician.
I pulled a hobbit out of a rat.

My wife had just made my dinner and asked if I wanted any salt and pepper on.
I said "Sure, If we don't have any LL cool J"

Due to my experiences you get a total different reaction when you say "What a cutie" if it is to someones child or if it is to the guy next to you in the urinal.

Playing Zynga poker on Facebook is equivalent to playing the national lottery home board game.

I ran my wife over this morning. It was my fault really; I shouldnt have been driving in the kitchen.

A policeman pulled me over last night and asked, "Have you been drinking tonight, sir?"
"Yes" I slurred, "But I'm not over the limit."
"We will let the breathalyser decide that" he replied. "Take a deep breath and blow into this until I say stop."
Within a second the policeman shouted, "Stop!"
"Blimey, that was quick" I said, "What did I blow?"
He said, "My finger."

I was out walking in the woods today when I saw a bigfoot.
That hunter costume he had on wasn't fooling me!

I wheeled my 50's jukebox into A&E.
"Can I help?" enquired the receptionist.
"Yeah, I think I've got a slipped disc."

I got short changed in Top Man today..
I look really silly dressed as a midget.

As I came downstairs this morning my father turned to me and said "Have you made your bed, son?"
"No, dad. You bought it."

It's weird how shampoo says 'for external use only'. It's like, you know what, I really feel like my liver could use a good wash.

My maths exam had the most bizarre thing in it, it said:
"The following number is even... 5."
I thought, "That's odd."

I was in a rave when someone asked me what tunes do I like,
"The Blackcurrant ones are my favourite, what about you?", I said.

For my birthday I rented one of those tacky long limousines. I told my friends I'd pick them up from Dave's between 3pm and 3.30pm.
I did warn them it was a long one.

Just told my mum that I'm getting married to a girl I know from Facebook whom I've never met. She said, "You my son, need professional help!"
So I've hired a Wedding Planner

I woke up this morning and found that my hair had turned green and my nose was bright red.
I must have slept funny.

My daughter came home last night, holding hands with some guy.
"Mom, Dad, this is my new friend Taylor," she said.
Gladdened, I replied, "Very good, honey." Then I turned to my wife. "Go get the torn clothes in the wardrobe."

My mate's absolutely insane. He just told me that he needed to rush home to talk to his plants as it helps them grow.
I just send mine a text usually?