My friend said I have the body of a celebrity.
That Johnny Vegas bloke must be a stud.

An Italian Mafia Don told me that I was going to sleep with the fishes.
What an idiot. If I did that, I'd die.

Say what you like about homeless people..At least they can read and change their duvet covers every day..

How do you find a Foxhole ??
Lift its Tail Up...

A woman is breastfeeding her baby in the park when a man walks up to her and says:
"Hey, by the way, your baby just invited me to dinner."

I installed an electric shower at the weekend.
It's invigorating enough, but in hindsight I wish I'd have kept the traditional water one.

I've just bought myself a magic wand.
All I have to do is tap it and my housework will be done.
Bang Tidy.

Johnny's dad and his Maths teacher are talking at the parent-teacher conference.
Teacher: "I think Johnny needs to get some help at home. Especially with his Maths".
Parent: "Well that makes six of us".

I was picking up the new girlfriend on my motorbike for the first time.
"Ooh what shall I wear?" she texted.
"Well if you've got any leathers I'd wear them," I replied back.
I shan't be seeing her again now ...
But the lads at the vintage motorcycle club said her gimp mask was hilarious.

I was telling my friend how some people swap Family Members for Popstars
"Take my Uncle for Example..."

My wife gave me a sandwich and said "This has half the fat, half the protein and half the calories of your usual sandwich".
Well, I say sandwich, it was more like half a sandwich.

I sneaked into the cinema last night without paying.
I sat there in the dark for eight hours before they finally showed a film this morning.

I'm great at pulling disabled birds.
Although I'm told its a lot easier when you push the wheelchair

It's especially dangerous to run with scissors when someone nearby is running with rock

Does anybody still use C.B. radios?. . . Over.

My doctor just told me that I have a problem with one of my lungs.
I said, "What's wrong with it?"
He said, "It's smoking."
I said, "Well, do you have any idea why it's doing that?"

I just got pulled over by the police last night.
"Do you realise you were doing over 100mph?"
"Yes, but I was only keeping up with traffic"
"Its 3am there isn't any...."
"Exactly!"

My son just messaged me "for New Years, you said you'd keep up with the times."...
I can't win, I've only just bought this new pager.

I really let my hair down last night.
I bought a wig and got caught trying it on.

Building a treehouse is killing a tree, and then making his friend hold up his dead body

I often use words and phrases I don't understand and vice versa.

As the judge read out my conviction sheet, he said the GBH charges against me were looking bad giving I have a history of violence.
I don't see what my DVD collection had to do with the case.

My ex has way too much influence over our kids.
I can't wait until they're old enough to hate me for their own reasons.

I've got a terrible headache. I think I'll have to stop drinking...
..and crashing my car into trees.

You can tell a lot about a person just by reading their emails.