I haven't seen any ninjas today.
I don't know whether to be thankful or more worried.

My best man walked over to me after giving his speech at my wedding:
"How was that mate, was it okay?" he asked nervously
"Honestly mate, you reminded me of a brilliant actor with the way you delivered those lines" I replied
"Oh really?" he said looking flattered
"Yeah, Colin Firth in the King's Speech you stuttering fool."

I was helping the behavioral scientist from next door, get his trailer on the drive.
"You're doing it all wrong," I said, "left is right and right is left."
I hate reversing a psychologist.

My daughter wants a pet, but I've told her no...
She couldn't even look after the head lice she had last year.

BBC News: President Obama meets Prime Minister David Cameron to discuss Big Issues.
The country is so broke we are trying to sell the magazine to visiting dignitaries.

I have never cooked anything before, but last night my wife was out so I attempted to cook myself a frozen meal.
The instructions read, 'Remove the packaging and put it in oven for 25 minutes'
So 25 minutes later I took the packaging out of the oven and thought to myself, "Great, now I've got a fire."

Are there any other sleepwalkers out there that do anything else other than just walk around?
I'm just wandering.

Knock Knock.
"Who's there?"
"Agad."
"Agad who?"
"Push pineapple shake the tree."

BBC News: Britain to get Euro as new currency.
how stupid will that be, going in to the butchers and asking for a euro of sausages

I was beaten and abused by my father as a child.
He always did take our garden football matches quite seriously.

What's the sound people make when they reach the limits of their intelligence?
God.

Seatbelts in case a plane crashes.
About as much use as an ejector seat in a helicopter.

As I quickly pulled up my trousers and left, I shouted to the bathroom salesman ...
'If you can't be bothered to supply toilet paper, I'm not flushing'.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin into a bowl of iron filings.

Road wars: "And in East London, police continue to search for the red scooter theif."
Surely he can't be that hard to find if he's red?

The Queen knocked on my door earlier!
She said, "I just fancied meeting some random people."
I told her my head was made of cheese.

My wife said she would try anything once just to make me happy.
I'm looking forward to seeing the pictures from her bungee jump into a volcano.

I've challenged my friend to a Rock, Paper, Scissors contest but we can't think of a way of deciding who goes first.

I went on Mastermind, my specialist subject being Arnold Schwarzenegger. At the end of my time Magnus said,
"Well, you failed to answer a single question on your specialist subject, but thanks for playing."
I replied, "That's true, but in the words of the great man himself, 'I'll come back."

What did the octagenarian pirate say on his birthday?
Aye Matey

Feather jokes tickle me.

I failed my Air Force entrance exam.
"Determine the point of a missiles impact".
"To make it explode" is the wrong answer.

Whenever I take a sip from my bottle of Evian it comes straight back up.
It must be spring water.

I walked into a rather intimidating Dragons Den the other day.
It sneezed and burnt my eyebrows off.

When I buy my lottery tickets I usually throw them into the bushes outside the shop.
My Dad taught me to hedge my bets.