Just as the train was pulling into London, I pulled the emergency brake and announced that I had a bomb.
After the court costs and the hefty fine, it still worked out cheaper than buying a ticket.

I don't know where "Not In Service" is, but it seems to be really popular tonight,
all the buses are going there.

After a hard day in the office, I left and took my seat on the bus.
5 mins into my journey my boss called and told me to bring it back.

A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse.
He got out and knocked at the door.
A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines."Dont know," the woman said. He got back in his car and pulled away.
Then he heard voices.
He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back.
So he made a U- turn and drove up to them."This is my husband," the old woman said.
"He doesnt know how to get to Des Moines either."

I have a drinking problem, so I went to the A.A. and I can tell ya, it works.
I can drive to the pub tonight... Problem solved.

It's strange that 75% of all car accidents are caused by women, when the wheel isn't on their side of the car.

Debra Hunt drove 20 miles the wrong way up the M5 and by a miracle didn't kill anyone.
Thank God she didn't try and park.

What do you call it when an Asian boat capsizes?
Thaitanic.

I saw a great car sticker on a smashed up car this morning:
"My other driver's a man"

Everywhere else in the U.K letting another car have priority over yours is called 'giving way', in London it's called 'giving in'.

My wife wanted some help with her car, because she'd heard that making your vehicle lighter saves fuel. We started taking out things she doesn't need.
She took out some shoes and a blanket, and I removed the reverse gear.

I helped out a women driver that had broken down today. As a thank you she took her pants off and told me to take whatever I want from her. I took the car, because the pants wouldn't have fit me.

I was driving down the road in my van the other day, when i saw two cute 9 year old twins walking down the street on their own. I couldn't believe it, i had to do a double-take.

What is the worst thing about the long flight to America?
There are always Americans on the plane.

What happens if you take a metal detector through another, bigger metal detector? Do they cancel each other out or does the universe just collapse on itself as they are two unities that shouldn't ever touch

I've just booked a free flight to Spain with Ryanair for 170.99

I'm stuck in rush hour traffic again.
It's stop-starting like Andy Parsons making a speech.

BBC News: "Ryanair pull out of Belfast City"
The only bigger disappointment was when Michael O'Leary's dad failed to pull out...

My wife's suffering from women's problems at the moment.
She can't get the car reversed into the garage.

You know when you read a book in the car and it makes you feel sick? I find that long before that happens, you crash.

Like most sickipedians,
I don't need a sat-nav to tell me to repeatedly drive up and down the high street on a warm sunny day.

Had a real shock today,
I was waiting at kings cross and as the train approached this guy jumped right in front of it killing himself, All day I couldnt stop thinking about it,
I mean who let a women drive a train.

There's something wrong with the speed limiter on my car.
She's got a sore throat.

Two wrongs don't make a right.
Three lefts do.

I turned up late to my job interview to become a train driver for First Great Western today...
They were so impressed they hired me on the spot!