I woke up in my car this morning.
Good old motorway rumble strips!
I had quite a bad accident in the car this morning.
I knew it was a bad idea to drive to work with diarrhoea.
If Ronnie Biggs had been a modern day train robber, he could have held up the train by putting leaves on the track.
A policeman pulled me over while I was weaving through traffic and said, "You drinking?"
"You buying?" I asked him.
I've been stuck in traffic for so long even the sat nav is asking "Are we there yet?"
My wife and I always have a lucky ritual before we take the kids out in her car, to ensure that we always return safely..
She hands me the keys...
My friend Jack Hughes went to France, but whenever he introduced himself to people they got all defensive.
I was on the London Underground.
Or, as we call it in the North, witchcraft.
I've noticed the roads are much busier now the kids have gone back to school, my first thought was there's obviously just more cars on the road, then in dawn on me the reason my day was being held up was that there's actually just more women on the road!
Sat in traffic this morning I saw something very amusing
In my wing mirror I could see a chap in a suit,clearly running for the bus.First of all he went flying after slipping on the path,getting his suit all dirty.
Next,his suit case opened sending paperwork everywere,but he didnt stop,he was determined to make that bus.
After leaping between cars and dodging many more pedestrians,it seemed he was going too make it.This was a herculean effort and every credit,but alas,it wasnt to be as the driver just smiled and pulled away,leaving the man swearing and shouting and throwing at least one shoe at the bus.
Its at this point I thought too myself,
I love being a bus driver.
I thought BMW drivers didn't indicate because they were arrogant -
It turns out that indicators are just another optional extra though.
Now that men are no longer needed to create sperm, pig-ugly feminists around the world are rejoicing in the potential future of an all female human race.
They don't appear to have thought this through, I mean, who will teach them how to drive?
What's big and black and steals all your money when you're out at night ?
A hackney cab.
I posted a joke about speeding yesterday.
I got three points.
I don't know why people are so afraid of flying.
You can die just by walking down the street and getting hit by a crashing plane.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because the Tube workers were on strike.
Just started taking my driving lesson's, only problem is I'm yet to actually drive.
I think I'm being taken for a ride.
The difference between lightning and London Underground workers? As far as I know, lightning never strikes twice in the same place
"Man trapped in Channel Tunnel to sue Eurostar"
Shouldn't he be more worried about getting out of the tunnel?
Took the missus on a round the world trip last year.
I asked her where she wants to go this year and the stupid cow said, "Somewhere else" !
There was a time when I thought my wife was going to drive me insane.
Then I remembered women can't drive.
At my local supermarket we have to pay to park so everyone just gives each other their tickets if there is a reasonable amount of time left on them.
I do the same but with out of date tickets. It makes my job as a traffic warden much more rewarding.
Driving on the motorway I just saw a sign saying "snow slow down" and I thought to myself why would the snow pay attention to a sign.
I was driving through Ireland yesterday, when I was suddenly pulled over for driving too close to a milk float.
I got 3 pints.
As Irene went thundering accross the city, smashing into buildings and knocking cars clean out of the way, i thought..
I really shouldn't have let her drive home