I've just got back from the future.
Don't worry, the half price DFS sale hasn't ended.

I had my driving test today and an animal jumped out in front of the car, so i did what my instuctor said and continued driving..
Apparently that was wrong.
And blacks aren't animals.

My god, the traffic these days is a state. Just the other day, I rear-ended a woman at rush hour.
I'm glad I don't own a car.

I'm really good at driving. I'm so good in fact that last year I got 25 points.

Since I started gardening with Doc Brown and Marty McFly they've stopped me growing simple flowers and encouraged me to grow complicated vegetables.
I really miss the good old days of flower growing - I wish I could go back to the fuchsias.

I have been considering buying a retro second-hand motor.
Specifically, I've been looking at the 1981 DeLorean DMC-12.
That car takes me back...

I saw an old car with a sticker on the window which read, 'This car has an alarm and immobiliser'
Which means only one thing...
That car doesn't have an alarm or immobiliser.

I was in my car driving back from work last night.
A police officer pulled me over and knocked on my window.
I said, "One minute, Im on the phone."

I pulled my wife bleeding from the wrecked car, as she screamed and pleaded for me to let her have one more shot at parking it again.

In the 18 years that I've been driving, I have never been in a car crash.
I've seen a few in the rear view mirror though.

I'm one of those people who give BMW drivers a bad name.
I indicate.

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.
The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.
Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.
Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.
Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene got pregnant once again."
Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

10% of all accidents on the road are caused by people who have been drinking. So 90% of accidents are caused by people who are stone cold sober? It's about time the government clamped down on sober driving.

My next door neighbour's battery went in his Smart car today.
I had to give him a jump start from my iPod.

You know what really grinds my gears
A faulty clutch it seems.....

A man goes for an interview as a bus driver.
When he gets there, the interviewer says, "You're 45 minutes late! The job's yours."

Time traveller's convention next June.
I'm there.

The woman next door was flashing me from her upstairs bedroom .
How she got her car in there I'll never know.

The other day, a little paki boy ran out in front of my car and I hit him. Then I remembered that because I was only doing 30, there was an 80% chance that he would live.
So I reversed over him a couple of times, to bring the odds down a bit.

I taught myself to drive by playing racing games on the Playstation.
I'm pretty good at it, I've got loads of points on my licence.

I never really understood what irony was.
Until I saw a female ambulance driver.

I've bought a Dodge Charger off eBay.
Now all I've got to do is find an electric Dodge.

ATTENTION: Tonight I will attempt to travel back in time and change history. You'll know I've succeeded if Germany loses world war II and Wednesday comes after Tuesday.

Why won't Al Qaida ever bomb a Ryanair flight?
Because they want to go straight to paradise, not 30 miles away and take a taxi.

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when an airport employee asked, "has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
To which I replied, "if it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"
He smiled knowingly and added, "that's why we ask, sir."