Wordplay Joke

My maths teacher loves number jokes...
Figures.

Wordplay Joke

I like my women, like I like my tea.
In a bag, only the leaves are on the outside.

Wordplay Joke

My wife stopped me as I was walking through the kitchen this morning
and said "why have you got that 100kg block tied around your waist?"
"Well you said Ive got to start pulling my weight around the house"

Wordplay Joke

I just got through the door when the wife gave me the ultimatum...
It's okay, but it's not as good as the supremacy.

Wordplay Joke

My wife asked me If I would organise a car boot yesterday so I agreed.
The spare tyres on the left,the first aid kit is neatly tucked to the back and my golf shoes are right in the corner.

Wordplay Joke

"There must be a way to make money at the seaside. I want some money for myself rather than spending what I get on the wife", I said to a mate,
"Selfish" he replied
I said, "Cheers mate, great idea."

Wordplay Joke

I've just been on a popular fat singer's fansite, and wrote:
If I post something here that's random, irrelevant and insulting to her large [number of] fans, in the hope of provoking a response...
...Would that be "Trolling in the deep"?

Wordplay Joke

I bought a made to measure suit today.
It has rulers on the sleeves.

Wordplay Joke

I was on the beach early this morning, looking for hidden treasure. As I swept my new gadget across the sand, it started beeping, so I got my shovel and started digging, hoping to find gold.
It was a very disappointing haul. I uncovered a carrot wrapped in bacon, a cat with a machete through its head, and a half eaten shoe.
It turns out I'd been using a mental detector.

Wordplay Joke

What do you get if you give an ape a gun?
Guerrilla warfare.

Wordplay Joke

I bought my son a coat today, when I gave it to him he started moaning. "That's not the one I wanted!" he said, "I'm not wearing that, it's not fair!"
So I slapped him for being a little puff, no son of mine is wearing fur.

Wordplay Joke

I just bought ET. Now I just need S to complete the set.

Wordplay Joke

Last night the wife discovered I still have all my A-Team action heroes and tried to dump them.
Though I managed to grab hold of B.A, Hannibal and Murdock, I found it hard to save Face.

Wordplay Joke

One of my colleagues got me the sack today. He told the boss I was sleeping on the job. So the boss came up to me and tea-bagged me.

Wordplay Joke

What do you get when you cross a mountain with a paedophile & a group of youths with no friends?
A Duke of Edinburgh Award.

Wordplay Joke

A hippie has choked to death on health food.
Police say he died of natural courses.

Wordplay Joke

Five hundred quid for a new clutch for my Jaguar?
Well, he does love Gucci handbags.

Wordplay Joke

Last night I dreamt that I was captured by a pirate with trademark mouldy teeth.
Said his name was Captain Plaquebeard.

Wordplay Joke

My son asked me if I could help him with his geography homework. He had to divide the history of the earth into seperate time periods. "I'll help you out", I said, "but it's gonna take ages".

Wordplay Joke

Give a man a fish, he will eat for a day.
Where's he getting the other 3 from?

Wordplay Joke

I've just got some of my hair dyed, it was the highlight of my day.

Wordplay Joke

Hear about the actor that fell through the floor?
It was just a stage he was going through.

Wordplay Joke

A friend of mine tells me he's got a job as Gary Barlow's food seasoner.
I think i'll take that with a pinch of salt.

Wordplay Joke

Apparently there's an elusive stranger wandering around Newcastle called "Wattamean".
People keep asking me if I know him.

Wordplay Joke

BBC News: Hound Dog songwriter dies age 78.
Isn't that suppose to be 325 years?