Wordplay Joke

Cataracts - You don't see them anymore

Wordplay Joke

I have a nervous tick.
It can't suck blood with people watching.

Wordplay Joke

What's the difference between the Solar System and Lilly Allen?
The Solar System has a sun

Wordplay Joke

To be honest when i'm naked i've got nothing against barbwire.

Wordplay Joke

Driving through town today, my mate said "10 points if you hit the Paki".
I hit him so well that the police gave me 12 points and a fine.
I don't know what you need to do to get an excellent.

Wordplay Joke

I was going to invent a device to shield fruit and veg stalls from rain.
But the market's already saturated.

Wordplay Joke

My bbq is all planned but my budget has gone on food and no entertainment......
So I have put some bird food out see if I can get some cheap music....

Wordplay Joke

Shame they banned that man in Devon from walking his owls down the street. I imagine quite a few heads used to turn.

Wordplay Joke

While in America David Cameron got to the white house and saw Barack waiting for him he thought 'Are they re-filming The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?'

Wordplay Joke

Madness once challenged The Blockheads to a game of football.
The Blockheads won in Ian Dury time.

Wordplay Joke

Cats.
Bin there, done that.

Wordplay Joke

Sky News : Dad Finds His Children Dead In A Freezer
It would take a cold heart to make jest of this

Wordplay Joke

Have you seen those new WD40 cans where they suggest 'even more uses'?
Well I saw mine had 'prevents mud from sticking to spades' written on the can.
So there I was sat at home, bored on a wet weekend in Croydon and I had a brainwave, I thought I could do my bit for the local community.
I wasn't half as popular as I thought I'd be at the hip-hop festival though.

Wordplay Joke

Apperently i've got arachnophobia,
To be honest i'm scared of most places in the Middle East

Wordplay Joke

I used to be indecisive...
It was a stupid name, no idea why I stuck with it for so long.

Wordplay Joke

There's a direct correlation between my erection and my wife.
It goes down when she does.

Wordplay Joke

I'm a huge fan of crisscrossing lines.
It's unparalleled.

Wordplay Joke

I entered a race where one foot had to be in contact with the ground at all times.
I walked it.

Wordplay Joke

I don't know what my butcher's problem is.
Today I asked him for a hot chop, but he gave me the cold shoulder.

Wordplay Joke

Why did Surtees retire from the race?
Because he got tyred.

Wordplay Joke

She rolled her eyes at me, so I rolled them back.

Wordplay Joke

I played a blinder of a football match earlier, scoring a hat-trick.
All the other parents said that I had ruined the game though.

Wordplay Joke

My wife told me she wanted a throw on the sofa.
So I body-slammed her.

Wordplay Joke

I've turned my life completely around. I used to be free and single, but now I'm single and free.

Wordplay Joke

My friend told me that no one does a barbie better than an Australian.
Ken has probably got something to say about that.