My girlfriend was in shock when I told her that I buried her cat in quick drying cement.
It still hasn't sunk in.

My captors just made a joke about a burlap sack,
but it went right over my head.

Got sent a letter by the bank today that said that there are too many pictures of me.
Apparently I am overdrawn.

I've been making my own bed every single day for the last ten years.
God knows how the local timber suppliers keep up.

Isn't it odd that the the human mind doesn't register the the fact that "the" was used twice each time in this sentence?

Acupuncture is a jab well done

Lock up your daughters, I have a "Rescuing the princess from her tower prison" fetish.

A friend of mine bet me 50 that I would not go into our local bank dressed as Father Christmas.
It was a Santadare.

A friend of mine bet me 50 that I would not go into our local bank dressed as Father Christmas.
It was a Santadare.

As a teenager I was never hung very well. I blame my parents.
They could never tie the noose tight enough and I'd always slip through.

I sent my wife away for a weekend in Paris.
I hope I put enough postage on the crate.

I've just found out that pigeons get migraines.
That's the last time I buy my scarecrow from poundstretcher.

My wife was giving me oral last night,when all of a sudden she vomited everywhere.
It was a sickening blow.

My girlfriend asked me what my perfect date would be. Without a doubt i said
Wrinkly on the outside and dark brownish and quite soft and chewy in the inside.
Don't think she'll be living up to those standards any time soon

My wife said: "Can my mother come down for the weekend?" So I said "Why?" and she said "Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already".

Went to see a medium last night, left me feeling average.

I asked my Irish mate what he thought about the population of the Irish capital now being twice the size.
'Ahhh yes, typical doublin' he replied.

My daughter keeps giving me the come on.
Same time each month.

I bet my friend I could erect a building in a week.
I put my house on it.

Loads of people's Facebook statuses have been about how they are watching the Pride of Britain Awards with a box of tissues.
I turned it on, and there weren't any fit women.

Norwegian footballer scores with a header from his own half, if only he'd been called Arn Mihedsson...

I was playing darts in the pub last night and hit a double with my last shot.
The barman threw me out for throwing my drinks around.

Not sure why so many people saying Blackberry not working.
I've just looked on Halle Berry's profile on IMDb and she's got 2 films coming out soon and 1 for next year.

My friend Ray has this rare cyst that can only occur on members of the Caucasian race.
It's Ray's cyst.

Me and my girlfriend met whilst working at a plastic-wrap factory.
I had to end it though, she was far too clingy.